


The Traveler's Blessing

by Zire_7



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Abby is sad and angry too, Angst, F/F, F/M, Fix-It, I promise it will all work out, I'm not J-rat bastard, Lexa is sad and angry AF, Lexa needs all the cuddles, Multi, Murphy isn't a dick, Not even being the flamekeeper will keep Titus alive, Not going to lie this is the best and worst thing I've ever done, Octavia Ships It, Octavia is sad and angry, Raven is Lexa's bro, Raven laughs to keep from crying, Required reading material a box of tissues, Shit gets worse, There's one in every fandom, Trigger warnings posted at the beginning of chapters that require them, You're going to hate me and want me dead while reading this clexakru, sad af, you can trust me
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-30
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-08-18 15:37:15
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8167094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zire_7/pseuds/Zire_7
Summary: A whole year has passed since Octavia has been on the ground. She has survived through the fall to earth with the hundred, two separate wars, becoming the 13th clan, and her first winter but many others had died along the way. She wasn't the only one who thought so either as a celebration to honor and commemorate those they've lost is set for the one year anniversary of the drop-ship's launch. She isn't pleased when she learns that the commander's first inspection of the clan coincides with the celebration. But that all changes when she catches the commander paying a visit to the memorial statue.





	1. Regrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> " _Trigedasleng is being spoken. Because I'm not that talented and I only know a couple of phrases in Trig so..._ "  
>  _Characters thoughts._

**Disclaimer: I do not own The 100 or its characters. I own only the plot/ideas/situations that I have placed the characters in and my OCs.**

* * *

“They're here. Open the gate.” The guards are quick to obey Octavia as she approaches Arkadia on horseback. As the gate swings open she is extremely grateful to see everyone in position and ready to welcome the commander and her gonakru for the inspection. Octavia slows her mount to a rapid walk as she passes through the gate. She heads directly for the stables and dismounts before leading the mare to her stall.

“Jazzy boy see to it that Griff is rubbed down and watered.” She doesn't wait for confirmation from the booze hound, he's lucky to still be alive after the war, as she hurries to join the chancellors at the gates. She barely gets into position beside Raven as the forward scouts emerge from the treeline.

There's only two of them and before they've made it to the halfway point the rest of the gonakru follow behind them. The scouts halt to either side of the gate, giving her, Raven, and Kane a perfect view of the commander. They all breath a little easier when they see that she's accompanied by Indra and Aden, her warpaint is also absent.

Its nerve wracking to stand still and watch the commander ride toward them, the last time it happened they were all expecting to die that day. They wouldn't learn why they weren't killed for a long time. But when they did, they knew who to thank for their lives. As the commander reaches the gates she halts her troops with a raised hand. There are sharp intakes of breath from most of the guard at the immediate compliance to the simple gesture.

Octavia fights back a grin and Raven tries to stifle her snort, she fails miserably. Kane simply huffs with fond exasperation for his successor as he strides forward to welcome the commander to Arkadia. The exchange is short and when the commander nods to Indra, the general's voice is a growl. “ _The commander will stay in the sky people's camp. We are to make camp in the forest._ ”

With reluctance all of the soldiers that accompanied her from Polis disperse, with the exception of Aden. She waits until the scouts have disappeared beneath the trees before dismounting and leading her horse through the gates. Aden follows her lead and dismounts as well.

“Chancellor Kane, vice Chancellor Raven, General Octavia, I trust you've all been well this past winter?” Her question is met with three nods.

“General Octavia please see to the horses, Aden will assist you. Then see about getting some food into him, his stomach has been complaining since Tondisi.” She sees the grin on Kane and a twinkle of amusement in Raven's eyes. She knows that Aden must be pouting at her. It is good to finally get to inspect the Skaikru when there wasn't an impending war waiting to break out.

“Come on squirt. The faster we get the horses settled and your black hole of a stomach sated, the sooner we can spar.” Octavia says as she grabs the reins from the commander and leads Aden to the stables.

“Chancellor Kane, vice Chancellor Raven, shall we begin with the defenses?”

* * *

Her flame keeper was right, it helped to see Skaikru thriving but she still felt like she was drowning. But for her people she could pretend that she wasn't. It was easier in Polis to avoid it but among the Skaikru there was no escape. Every time she caught a glimpse of the color, her chest constricted and she could hardly draw a full breath. Some days it is easy to reach the surface and tread there; these days are few and far between. The rest are difficult to make it through but she does, she has to.

The day is long and by the time she is shown to her room, she is tired. Too tired to be bothered by the fact that her room is located in Raven's quarters. As soon as the door closes she collapsed upon the bed. She, hopefully, will not move for the rest of the night and when she falls asleep it will not be restful. Sleep is something she fears now, that's where they lurk. But eventually her eyes close and no matter how hard she fights the darkness, it swallows her whole.

* * *

_She feels the hot sticky liquid as it rapidly soaks through her shirt, staining it. The weight is unexpected and her knees buckle. There is a numbness spreading through her body. She hears a strangled exclamation and as her eyes lift to locate the source, her vision slowly fills with a haze of red. Her body shifts in preparation to stand but a pained whimper rends the air and it is like a spear being driven through her heart.  
_

* * *

Her eyes fly open and she rolls off the bed. She lands in a crouch as her eyes scan the room, its empty. Upon seeing no threats she flops gracelessly to the floor. The cool metal is a soothing balm to her sweaty overheated skin. She wills her racing heart to slow as she attempts to deepen her breathing; her breaths were shallow and as rapid as her heart beat. The floor is hard but she can't muster the energy to crawl, much less stand, and fall back into the bed. She will get no more sleep tonight and she suspects that what little sleep she can get will be reduced to nothing while she is among the Skaikru.

The next morning she is up and dressed, fore going her long coat in favor of a short jacket that she found in the room's closet. A knock sounded before the door was opened, her guide this morning was Octavia. “General.”

“Heda.”

She was glad that she had not succeeded in having Octavia killed. The Skaikru's war general was one, among very few of them, that she could tolerate. They walked in the early morning silence to the mess hall. Other than the cooks and a handful of Skaikru, the place was empty. Octavia directed her to a table and as she took a seat, she watched the general take her place in line. Her attention was drawn to the two Skaikru at the table on her left.

“Why did I let you convince me that working the morning shift was a good idea?”

“Because if you were caught fighting with Trent again you'd spend a month in lock up. Its not my fault you have a short temper.”

“But he's such a bastard and-”

A loud clatter drowned out the rest of the conversation and her eyes focused on the tray of food in front of her as Octavia took a seat across from her.

“The sky people work in shifts?” She found that as long as she kept her mind occupied, her thoughts were less likely to dwell on her nightmares.

“People do more work that way. On the ark each station and the people who lived there, specialized in certain jobs. Like Raven and Sinclair. Sinclair works in the morning and helps keep the rovers, radios, and the water running. When he's done with that, he helps repair random junk that people bring to him. When the afternoon rolls around, Raven takes over and Sinclair can do whatever for the rest of the day.” Octavia said and then attacked her food with vigor.

She'd be lying to herself if she said she wasn't impressed with how the Skaikru did certain things. In some areas they were even more efficient than the rest of the coalition put together. The most memorable example was how they helped Azgeda ration their food to survive the winter after the war. Very few Azgeda citizens died and the few that did were either very young or very old.

They were also capable of taking down pauna with zero casualties to their hunting parties. Their medicine was also a sight to behold. The war affected everyone and she feared that many gona would be forced to retired but Skaikru medicine saved many from that cruel fate. Skaikru earned their place among the coalition as well as the respect of many clans during and after the war.

“I want to see her.” Her voice is quiet and she hates how Octavia flinches. She hates that flinch and what it usually means. She does not care.

“I'm not sure that that is the best idea.” Octavia stops eating and grabs for her tray, so she can stack it on her own. As the general rises from the table the commander can see the conflict in her eyes.

“Please, O. I need to see her.” She knows that she's has gone to far when Octavia's face hardens and as the general turns from the table, “Her birthday is today.”

It seems that they both refuse to pull their punches. She swallows harshly and fights the tears as they threaten to spill over, yet another thing that she did not know about. Her stoic mask is fragile but firmly in place by the time Octavia returns for her. She follows the general to Raven's workshop, yesterday the vice Chancellor said she had something to show her.

The bed is just as uncomfortable as yesterday but she is just as drained as she was yesterday too. But today is far worse and she knows that her nightmare will be equally as horrible.

* * *

_She does not remember much of the next couple of minutes but she is very aware of her hands pressing down on the wound. The blood is vivid against pale skin. She pushes down harder as instructed and the sounds that escape into the air, break her. She is unable to focus properly on anything but the blood turning the white furs red. There is too much noise and everything is too much._

_“Guards!” She doesn't notice the slight shake in her voice nor does she notice how Titus has moved closer to her._

_“Leksa I-”_

_“Guards!” She yells over him and when he makes another attempt to explain himself, her glare silences him. His face goes deathly pale and he stumbles back. The doors burst open as four guards rush in._

_“Daxos, Grath, the two of you will lock the Fleimkepa in a cage until I say other wise. Take him now.” She waits until they've dragged Titus from the room before issuing more orders, “Ram, summon Alton. Zoran cut the skayon loose.”_

_“M-Murphy,” A wet cough draws her attention back to the blonde on the bed. “His name is Murphy, Lex.”_

_“Shh...don't speak Klark. Save your strength for when Alton gets here.” Her heart dies just that little bit more when she see's those blue eyes fill with tears._

_“The bullet...clipped...a...lung...” Each word that Clarke spoke had blood seeping from the corners of her mouth. “There's...nothing...anyone...can...do. Not even...Skaikru....”_

_She can see the vibrant blue beginning to fade to gray. She knows it won't be long now. But she can't say the words. She refuses to say them, instead she says, “You were right Klark. Life is about more than just surviving.”_

_The radiant smile that she receives for that is the last one from Klark that she will ever see. “Tell me what the sky people say.”_

_“In peace...” But Clarke doesn't speak anymore because she has pulled Lexa in for one last kiss and when Lexa pulls back, Clarke is still._

_“You said you'd never leave me.” Her vision blurs as tears roll down her face and she crawls onto the bed and clings to Klark. That is when she hears the ragged breath._

_“I-I won't. I'll be h-here.” Clarke's hand rests over her heart._

_“In peace may you leave the shore,” His voice is rough but steady, “In love may you find the next, safe passage on your travels until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again.”_

_A sound shatters the air and makes Murphy jumps back into Zoran and they both topple to the floor. The two will never be able to forget the sound of the commander's sorrow for the rest of their lives. They make silent promises to be be there for the broken woman.  
_

* * *

 She bolts upright and lashes out with a fist but it never connects as Octavia's hand is wrapped around her wrist, preventing her from striking Raven. She is still reeling from the nightmare and doesn't realize that she is crying but like her suffering, her tears are silent.

“Is something wrong?” Her voice does not shake.

“I think that's supposed to be my question. Why were you screaming bloody murder-” Octavia lets out an indigent squawk as Raven shoves her toward the door. “Go tell the vultures out there that it was me. Nightmares about the mountain.”

“Why-”

“O, people die when you're in charge.” Octavia recoiled as if struck and then turned on her heel to march out the door. “It was Raven having a nightmare about the mountain. Move along people.”

The mechanic heaved a sigh as she hobbled over to a chair and sat down. It was silent for a moment before she addressed the commander. “Lexa, I am going to ask you a question and I need you to tell me the truth. Have you grieved for Clarke at all?”

She froze at the vice chancellor's question. None of the Skaikru in Arkcadia should have known about her relationship with Clarke. She didn't know how to answer that question. It must have been apparent to Raven because the girl was speaking to her unvoiced panic. “I was in the mountain for a brief amount of time before those ice assholes made it go boom. But while I had the access and maybe more hacking skill then I let on, I pulled up the video footage for the night of the siege. It took a while but eventually I got good angles for the both of you.

Clarke's face said it all, the two of you weren't just leaders planning a war. There was something else there. And then there's you. There was a tear rolling down your face as you turned to leave. Now fast forward to the war with Allie. It wasn't hard to connect the dots after that. What happened?”

“I loved her that's what happened. And then my most trusted adviser shot her. The bullet clipped a lung and she drowned in her own blood.” She refused to break down in front of Raven. She could not afford to be seen as weak. No one could ever know how utterly Klark's death has destroyed her.

Raven went still at the commander's confession. No one had known about Clarke until after they'd destroyed the city of light. And she'd seen first hand the terrible rage that the commander was capable of, after Allie had tried to trick her with a fake version of Clarke. The mechanic swore then and there to never get on her bad side.

“Lexa, look at me.” Raven's voice was soft but she looked anywhere but at the vice chancellor. “Don't make me come over there, Heda.”

Slowly she met Raven's gaze and found understanding in it. It hurt so much that she couldn't hold back the tide anymore. She cried harder than she ever had before and she lost all sense of her surroundings as she surrendered to the ocean of grief inside her. Sometime later when her throat was raw and her eyes stung she said, “It was her birthday today.”

“Damn it O.” Raven whispered curses under her breath. “It was Abby's birthday today. Clarke's birthday is next month. And its really not fair that you cry like a boss too.”

“Are you even speaking Gonasleng?” She felt even worse at hearing the faint amusement that crept into her tone.

Raven rolled her eyes at the commander and ignored her question. “Go back to sleep. I'll tell Kane you went hunting or something. And no arguing, right now you are not the commander of 13 clans. Just for today you are Lexa Woods and you've lost the woman you love. Take the day Woods, grieve, get drunk, and remember the good times. Because sometimes that's all you can do. I'll bring some of Monty's hooch by for you later.”

As her eye tracked Raven's progress to the door, she adds yet another thing to her growing list of things that Skaikru does better than the rest of the coalition; they don't see her as an unapproachable pillar of strength nor do they expect her to be one all the time.

True to her word Raven came by much later that day with an absurd amount of Monty's hooch and the two spent the rest of it getting drunk. The last that she remembers of the night is Raven getting her into bed.

* * *

_A profound silence surrounded them. Nothing dared to shatter it as they watched the commander carefully disentangle herself from Clarke and stand upright next to the bed. That had been ten minutes ago and now she was just standing there. Murphy shared a dubious look with Zoran who shook her head. He sighed, stepped forward and then stepped past the woman. He made sure to not brush against her._

_As he reached for Clarke, he stilled when he felt a hand grip his arm painfully. When he glanced at the woman, he very nearly pissed himself. “I'm just going to cover her up.”_

_He resisted the urge to rub over the spot that she'd held onto when she let him go. It was just as he stepped back from the bed that the doors flew open. Ram and Alton rushed inside only to stop dead at the scene before them._

_“Alton,” The three grounders' hearts sunk and all three fought the urge to shrink back when she turned to face the healer. “Heda?”_

_“See to Murphy of the sky people. He was held as Titus's prisoner and was tortured, the flame keeper failed to notify me of this. He is no longer a prisoner and is under my protection. Any further harm that comes to him, I will match on his attacker. Jus drain Jus daun. Zoran, Ram, take K...Wanheda's body to the crypt."_ _There was a chorus of two 'Sha, Heda's' , Zoran nodded, as each of them swiftly carried out her orders. She stayed only long enough to ascertain that Murphy's wounds wouldn't kill him before returning to her room._

 _Her hands shook and it took her longer than it ever had to buckle her long coat._ _The weight of her pauldron as she secured it in place had never felt so heavy. The body wide trembling had lessened considerably by the time she finished braiding her hair. There was no trace of anything other than a disquieting calmness to her movements as she brushed the kohl around her eyes. Her descent to the crypt passes in no time at all but the rest of the night is the longest since Costia's death._

* * *

 _"_ _Ambassadors of the coalition, we are gathered here today to discuss a very serious matter.” She sweeps her eyes across the room and meets the eyes of all the ambassadors. “Murphy of the sky people is here to represent the Skaikru in Wanheda's place.”_

_Murmurers broke out among the ambassadors at her announcement but none are brave enough to voice their dissent. She does not know whether it is because of Titus's absence at her side, the presence of her novitiates, or that she is in full battle regalia._

_“Ram, Grath, bring the flame keeper in.” At this the room goes quiet as her guards drag Titus in and put him on the tree. She waves to her guards to join the novitiates behind her. She would not deny them a chance to see justice done for Clarke, the two had volunteered to guard her on numerous occasions; they didn't do that unless they liked who they were guarding._

_“Ambassadors, yesterday the flame keeper assassinated Wanheda. By attacking her, he attacked me. By killing her, he has committed treason and not even his status as flame keeper will save him. I will now give him a chance to explain his actions before I take his life. What have you to say, Titus?”_

_“You would go back on blood must not have blood?”_

_Her teeth ache from how hard she's pressed them together to prevent her mask from breaking at his cowardice. “You said it yourself on ascension day, it has failed. Who am I to try and better our people when blood must have blood has brought us this far? What better way to uphold tradition than to start with your blood? The kill order wasn't in effect. And whose to say that you won't stop at just the Skaikru ambassador?”_

_“I-”_

_“Murphy please tell the other ambassadors what you told me this morning.” She no longer wished to hear the poison in his words._

_“His plan was to kill Cla...uh...er Wanheda and blame me for it. He wanted to make the commander angry enough to declare war on Skaikru.” He said wanting to kick himself for his slip._

_“Former flame keeper your guilt is without question.” She rose smoothly from her seat and descended the steps to the floor. In a motion almost too quick for many of the ambassadors to follow, she drew a dagger and lodged it in Titus. She had taken careful aim so that her dagger wouldn't kill him instantly. Blood poured from his mouth as she approached him. Each breath was a wet gurgle and she knew that it burned with every inhale. When she had closed the last of the distance between them, she leaned in and whispered into his ear. “Now that you have experienced the pain of drowning in your own blood. I will become Wanheda, just like you wanted.”_

_When she stepped back, she yanked the dagger free and slashed his throat. As blood splattered across the ground she addressed the room.“Ambassadors this concludes our business. I ride for the blockade with the Skaikru ambassador today.”  
_

* * *

The rest of her stay among the Skaikru was uneventful and it was odd to see the Skaikru so well adjusted to life on the ground, especially after their eventful first year. Just seeing so many of them laughing and carefree allowed her to experience a moment of peace but it was just that, a moment.

On her last day before her return to Polis she found herself an empty section of the wall around Arkadia and watched the Skaikru go about their day to day tasks. It was here that Raven found her.

“So how would you like to crash a party?”

Her only response was an un-impressed glare that did not deter the vice chancellor one iota. “Its tonight at the dropship and if you're stealthy enough no one will notice. All of the Skaikru will be there for the unveiling of the memorial statute, to commemorate and pay respect to everyone we've lost. Today marks a whole year since the dropship was launched.”

“I'd rather not show weakness in front of an audience.” It was one thing to show weakness to Raven behind closed doors but it would be another thing entirely to do so in front of the Skaikru.

“Shit, sorry. I guess it would ruin your whole unapproachable badass persona if that happened.” Raven flashed her a rueful grin and left.

She waited until the sun had fully set and the moon was half-way across the night sky, over the course of its travel she watched the Skaikru return from the dropship, before heading into the forest. She kept to the trees to avoid the last few stragglers. From her position in the trees and her search of the area around the camp, she didn't see anyone. She quickly climbed down the tree and slipped through the open gate. Her breath caught in her throat at the sight of the statue; where there was once a ship, there was now a tree. A giant metal tree dwarfed the walls that surrounded it. The entire tree was glowing blue.

She forced herself to look away from it and as hard as she tried to, she couldn't force her body to take her away from it. Instead she moved closer to the tree. And as she did, the encompassing blue glow of the tree slowly took on shapes; those shapes turned into names. The name of every sky person was glowing blue. _Like the soncha tri._

Her eyes scanned the glowing names involuntarily for the only one that mattered to her. When she found it, her tears returned with a vengeance. Her eyes closed as her finger tips traced each letter; Clarke Griffin.

“Kom chilnes yu na ban sishou-de au, Kom hodnes yu na hon neson op. Gouthru klir hashta yu soujon, Kom taim oso fali kom daun gon graun-de. Mebi oso na hit choda op nodataim.” Her voice was a reverent whisper as she spoke, her fingertips kept tracing the letters over and over again.

“You have some nerve being here...” She didn't react to her voice nor did she stop tracing Clarke's name. “seeing as how more than half of those names are there because of you. Hers is there because of you.”

Her fingers still, she withdraws her hand from the tree, and subtly swipes the evidence of her weakness from her face. She does not offer any explanation to the doctor, because there isn't one. At least not one that the woman wants to hear. The doctor has already placed blame exactly where it belongs.

“I will leave now.” But as she turns from the tree, her legs give out and she collapses on the ground. She hears the doctor's footsteps as the woman approaches. She raises a hand, “Don't concern yourself with me. I'm...”

* * *

She jerks awake and is reclining against the metal tree. As she tries to rise from the ground she feels a hand gently land on her shoulder. “Its best if you stay on the ground, commander.”

She says nothing but doesn't try to move again. The doctor is kneeling in front of her.

“When was the last time you got a full night's rest?” The question was accompanied by a blinding white light that the doctor shone into both of her eyes. Mercifully the light vanishes moments later as the doctor stands to put distance between them.

“I don't get more than a few candle marks a night.” At the confusion on the doctor's face she uses the Skaikru term, “Two hours. Three if I'm lucky. You don't have to concern yourself with me, Abi. I'm fine.”

“Obviously not.”Abby's tone is biting as she continues, “And I'm going to do everything in my power to look after you because for some damn reason, one that I would really like to know, my daughter loved you. I've not been the best mother for her that I could've been and as much as I hate you...I will concern myself with your heath, for Clarke.”

“How did...?”

“Raven wasn't the only one there when Allie made Clarke appear, it confirmed what I already suspected since the night of the missile.” The doctor's eyes shifted from the commander to her daughter's name. “A small part of me is thankful to you for getting her out of the village, the larger part curses you for putting a decision like that on her shoulders. I just need to know one thing, Commander. Did you ever care about her?”

Her entire body thrummed with unbridled rage at the doctor's question, she relished the burn of her fury; as it was the first thing that she's felt other than sorrow since Clarke died. In an instant she rises from the ground, grabs the doctor, and slams her against the tree. “ _Do I care she asks? No. I am, was, far pasting caring. I loved her so much that every second from the moment of her last breath is a struggle; I struggle just to think, breath, eat, and sleep. I can't look at the sky or the color blue without feeling like a knife is being driven into my lungs. My body is alive but my heart is dead as though I can't live in this world without her. But I do._ ”

“ _Why?_ ” The doctor's use of Trigedasleng causes her to stagger back. She tries to stem the fresh wave of tears that spill over but she can't, she never could. With effort she steps closer to the tree to place a trembling hand over Clarke's name.

“I swear fealty to you, Klark Kom Skaikru. I vow to treat your needs as my own and your people as my people. If I were to die...I can't protect the Skaikru like she would have.” The silent 'if she were still here' hangs in between them. She knows the doctor's intent, she can easily read it in the woman's body language. She lets the doctor pull her into an embrace. As soon as she feels the doctor's arms around her, she loses the battle and her sobs rush out as she lets her grief be heard for the first time.

* * *

Everyone was long gone now and she could finally have a moment to read the names of everyone that she feels that she let down. The person who she feels that she failed the most being the last one that she finds. Her hand rests over their name as the tears start rolling. “Heya Griff. Its been one hell of a wild ride, yeah? But the forty three of us are still going strong, its fallen to me and Raven to keep them safe. Bellamy died defending Pike and his lackeys from the coalition and than a psycho computer goes on a rampage by turning everyone into a mindless zombie. If I had not lived through it, I'd swear it was a fucking movie.

Its taken me a long time to understand that you did the best you could during the war with the mountain; to understand those impossible decisions. I learned from Ryder that you went toe to toe with the commander to prevent her from killing me after the missile. I was so angry but not at you and maybe if I hadn't lashed out, we could've had those three months with you.

And I know you'd want me too but I can't forgive Lexa for killing you. She took you away from us. I also can't believe Rae-”

She cuts herself off as she hears a near silent thump, like a pair of feet hitting the ground. With no way of knowing where the person is, she dives behind the tree and press her back against it. Her muscles are tense as she waits for whoever it is to appear. Anger courses through her when she hears the commander's start speaking and just as she is about to move out from behind the tree, the woman's words take the fight right out of her. “ _In peace may you leave the shore, in love may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again._ ”

She can't reconcile Lexa's near heartbreaking recitation of the traveler's blessing with the commander's dispassionate announcement of Clarke's death after the war with Allie. She had known that something else was going on between Clarke and the commander; she even jokingly started referring to them as Clexa in her head whenever she saw them together. But after the mountain, she was angry that Clarke could so easily fail for the commander's lies again. She wishes that she could go back to that awful day and do it better because after the announcement she went to Polis looking for answers and found Murphy being trained to become the flame keeper; Murphy would only tell her that Clarke died on ascension day.

She could only think of one reason why Clarke was gone. The commander killed her to take the power of Wanheda. Its why she enjoyed dropping little things about Clarke around the commander but no matter how much she said, the commander remained cold and distant. This led Octavia to the only logical conclusion; the commander had toyed with Clarke's emotions, molded her into Wanheda, and killed her for the power.

The tree behind her shook as something was pushed against it. She almost jumped out from behind it to see what was happening but once more, the commander's voice froze her in place. It honestly terrified her to hear the harsh string of Trig that filled the air. “ _Do I care she asks? No. I am, was, far pasting caring. I loved her so much that every second from the moment of her last breath is a struggle; I struggle just to think, breath, eat, and sleep. I can't look at the sky or the color blue without feeling like a knife is being driven into my lungs. My body is alive but my heart is dead as though I can't live in this world without her. But I do._ ”

Octavia's mind was sent reeling at this. Each word ripped into her soul and it hurt. She had no idea how Lexa, how anyone, could hold herself together like she had during the war. To just keep going like she had. _How could she?_ As if the universe was punishing her for her rash assumptions, Lexa started to speak, with a soft tenderness to her voice, “I swear fealty to you, Klark Kom Skaikru. I vow to treat your needs as my own and your people as my people. If I were to die...I can't protect the Skaikru like she would have.”

Her tears came hot and fast when she heard the very first and very real expression of grief from the commander. Octavia's body ached, her eyes stung, and she had nothing to wipe her nose with. She just wanted to sleep for forever and settled in to do just that, it wouldn't be the first time she spent the night out there.

Before she drifted off to the sounds of Abby trying to calm the commander down and coax her back to Arkadia, Octavia looked up at the sky. She loved stargazing but like the commander, she could hardly stand to look at it because the weight of her regrets on ascension day threatened to crush her. Her last thought as she fell asleep was. _I wish I could go back to ascension day and save them.  
_

* * *

“Okteivia Kom Skaikru.” Octavia jolted awake at Indra's voice. Her eyes automatically scanning her surroundings. She was in Polis leaning against the back of a stall in the market, the very same stall that she had waited for Clarke at on ascension day. She blinked and blinked again when nothing had changed, then she pinched her arm hard enough to leave a mark.

She shook her head as the last that she could remember was feeling like a total bitch for blaming Lexa for Clarke's death and thinking the commander was a heartless monster...only to be proven egregiously wrong. _And falling asleep beneath the memorial tree._

She immediately sprung into action and sprinted for the tower. With no way of knowing how she was suddenly here, she was going to make this count or she'd never be able to live with herself. She hoped that she could make it in time. Her entire world narrowed to one singular thought: Save Clarke, save Lexa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah this might be one of the cruelest fix-it fics ever. ~~I might be inclined to eventually turn this into a multi-chap fic at some point in the distant future.~~ This will now be a multi-chapter fic because my muse and the plot bunnies have ganged up on me, they've been chanting, 'Why the fuck not?' for the last two days. Updates will be infrequent maybe every two weeks (heavy emphasis on maybe).
> 
> Octavia fucking Blake everyone...also please don't spoil it for new readers. I regret nothing because I haven't seen too many Clarke dies fics but who wants to read something so tragic, certainly not me. That said there will be really sad, really necessary to the plot tragedies for our characters. So please trust me and you can trust me (I'm Bi). I am not heartless and I fucking cried while writing this.
> 
> This fic was written while I listened to this song: Life Screams by Lacy Sturm. 
> 
> Trigedasleng Translations:  
> soncha tri: Light trees. (blanket term the grounders use for the irradiated vegetation from S1, this my headcanon)  
> Since I'm pretty sure I covered all my bases in the actual story and I'm also reasonably sure that every knows the basic translations, kom skaikru, Heda, Sha etc. I'm not going to put them here. But If you don't know what something is leave a comment and I will put the translation up.
> 
> TTFN!


	2. Ascension Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is. And you may or may not want me dead when you read a certain part of this...anyways. [ _When you see words like this it means they are song lyrics see end notes for the song(s)_ ]

_**Disclaimer: I do not own the 100 or the characters. I own only the plots/ideas/situations that I have placed the characters in and my OCs.** _

* * *

_**Octavia  
** _

* * *

When she reached the tower, the guards out front tried to bar her entry. Her response was a snarl and two swift jabs to the guard on the left, as the guard on the right shifted to lodge his spear into her, she ducked under his swing and rammed her knee into his groin. As he collapsed to his knees she leapt over him by using his shoulders as a spring board.

Her feet barely touched the ground as she dashed through the guards who were drawn by the commotion. She used a combination of punches and kicks to forcibly removed all opposition in her path. She was a woman on a mission and she would not be deterred. After she fought through what felt like an army, she finally made it to the stairs.

More guards were rushing down them. She would never make it at this rate. So she did the only thing that she could, she drew her sword, sliced the back of the first guard's knee as he came upon her, and flattened herself against the wall. He went down hard and the other guards tumbled down the stairs as they tripped over him. A manic grin spread across her face as she raced up the, now empty, stairs.

Her lungs were on fire, her chest heaved as her breath came in harsh pants, and her legs felt like rubber by the time she reached the right floor. She didn't think she could move any further then a gunshot rang out. She bolted down the hall and turned the corner as a second shot was fired. She saw the commander moving toward Clarke's room. She dug deep and ran faster when she saw the commander pulling the door open.

Just as the commander started to enter the room she slammed into Lexa, tackling her to the ground. The bullet that whizzed through the doorway grazed Octavia's arm as she fell on top of the commander. An enraged growl drew Octavia's attention to the doorway and was surprised to see Clarke launch herself back into the room.

Sounds of a scuffle and muffled swearing trickled out of the room and as she lay there on top of the commander, dying of exhaustion, she shouted, “Give 'em hell Griff.”

“Okteiv-” The commander was unprepared for Octavia to give her a hug and then, with effort, roll off of her. “are you well?”

She didn't even try to fight the smile as it spread across her face at how confused the commander sounded. “I am, Heda.”

Another gun shot pierced the air and the pained grunt that followed spurned her into action. “Oh hell no.” She snarled as she rose from the ground, ignoring her burning muscles as well as Lexa, and kicked the doors open. Her eyes immediately locked onto some bald guy aiming a gun at Clarke and Murphy, the later had a bullet wound in his leg, was covered in minor cuts, and had a spattering of dark bruises on his skin; Clarke had a ring of bruises around her throat. As Octavia started to reach for her sword, she stilled when she heard the man speak.“Move and she dies.”

“ _Drop the gun or I'll drop you._ ” Octavia shivered at the simmering fury and the deadly promise in the commander's tone.

“Leksa I-” He was cut off as a sword, the very same one that Octavia had been reaching for, was lodged into his lower leg. As he fell to one knee, the commander had crossed the room in half a second, grabbed his wrist and twisted it so hard the bones snapped. He let go of the gun and as soon as it hit the ground, the commander kicked it away from him.

“ _Guards!_ ”

“Please Leksa let me expl-” He let out a whimper as the sword in his leg was yanked out by the commander. As he attempted to open his mouth she held the blade to his throat, her next words made him go deathly pale. “ _One more sound and I'll cut your tongue out. Guards!”_

Just as the commander is about to yell again, four guards rush into the room. Octavia was quick to get out of their way. “Daxos, Ram put Titus in a cage until I say otherwise and make sure Rago attends to him.” She waits until they've dragged him out before issuing more orders, “Grath summon Alton. Zoran cut the skayon loose.”

“M-Murphy,” Clarke's voice is little more than a croak as she rubs her throat, “His name is Murphy, Lex. And Octavia I'm so glad-” The blonde lets out a squeak as Octavia glomps her and proceeds to squeeze the air from her lungs. “-to see you.” Octavia's heart lurches when she feels Clarke squeeze back just as tightly. When she pulls back, those bright blue eyes are suspiciously watery. “O, you're bleeding.”

“Ha,” She had missed Clarke so much and as usual the blonde was too busy worrying about everyone else. “Its just a flesh wound.”

“That fucking asshole almost killed you.”

“Then its a good thing I've got Wanheda on my side.” Octavia didn't even feel the smack to her the shoulder that wasn't injured. _How could I have thought that she'd just abandon us to the likes of Pike? I'm going to kill that bald asshole myself, if Lexa doesn't._

“Clarke, I'm just glad that you and your commander weren't hurt, much.” She broke out into stitches of laughter at seeing the mighty Wanheda flush red and her laughter only increased when she saw that the commander's cheeks were just as red.

Clarke was the first to recover, she spluttered, “T-That...w-we're... fuck, you can't tell my mom.”

Tears were streaming down her face as she gasped for breath. Her stomach was starting to hurt from her laughter. It took a little while before her laughter tapered off and as her tears dried she said, “My lips are sealed but,” She leveled her best glare at the commander, “they'll never find your body if you hurt her again.”

A solemn nod and then, “It won't come to that, Okteivia.”

“So can I help you kill that bald asshole?” The light hearted mood plummeted at her question and brought the focus back on to more serious matters.

The commander collapsed onto the bed and just lay there for a moment before she loosed a frustrated sigh and sat up to focus her attention on Octavia. “He is the fleimkeipa. It won't be easy.”

Murphy scoffed, “Can't you-” He winced as Clarke pressed a bandage over the hole in his leg. “-like, train a new one?”

When everyone's attention was on him, Clarke was glaring, he belatedly realized that he'd sounded like he usually did, an asshole. He shifted nervously away from the looming Zoran who was glaring fiercely at him but otherwise didn't so much as twitch.

“Its fine Zoran.” The commander absentmindedly waved the woman off, Zoran instantly exited the room and closed the doors on her way out. “That is precisely why it will be hard to kill him. It would take eight summers to train a new fleimkeipa. Half of that time is spent in intensive training; physical and mental. The other half is spent learning the history and secrets of the commanders.”

“You mean like the fact that the first commander crashed to earth in an escape pod from polaris?” The whole room went silent at his sarcastic retort. Both Octavia and Clarke looked at him like he'd grown a second head but he was far from done. “The thirteenth station that would have been part of the ark and which basically means the first commander was Skaikru. If that's the requirement for the job, I could be the flame keeper.”

“You'll need more training but that can be arranged.” Now everyone was looking at the commander then Murphy started laughing, Clarke and Octavia remained silent.

The two shared a look, they both knew a lot more about the grounders, or Lexa in Clarke's case, than Murphy. And as soon as Murphy's laughter trailed off their suspicions were proven correct as the commander addressed Murphy. “Its too dangerous for you to know that much about the commanders and not become the fleimkeipa. If anyone suspected that you hold the secrets of the commanders, they would capture you, torture you, and then kill you. The moment Titus decided to keep you in the shrine, he sealed your fate. You'll become the fleimkeipa or die, Murphy of the sky people.”

“What about Clarke and Octavia?” He asked, sounding strangely resigned to his fate.

“Klark is Wanheda, many fear her and none would wish to cross her. And Okteivia was trained under Indra, she can handle herself.” No one was more surprised at hearing praise from the commander than Octavia, who was practically glowing.

“Damn right I can handle myself. I had to fight my way across the ground floor and then run up the stairs like a bat out of hell.” She said just as the doors were pushed open and four people entered the room.

“ _My apologies for the delay commander_ ,” The man who spoke bowed and straightened before, “ _many of the guards were injured during the apparent rampage of a small demon_.”

Octavia's smile became a wide grin at hearing his words. Clarke snorted but otherwise kept her attention on Murphy's bleeding leg. The commander's eyes twinkled with amusement. Murphy rolled his eyes.

“Alton please assist Klark with Murphy, he was held as Titus's prisoner and tortured.” She gestured to the corner where both were located, Alton immediately shuffled over to them. “Zoran send messengers to the blockade to inform the other generals that General Indra will lead in my stead until my arrival. Also send a messenger to the ambassadors for an emergency meeting at first light. Grath have rooms prepared for Okteivia and Murphy. Indra, your seken will be under my protection and will have safe passage through the blockade.”

Indra, Grath, and Zoran bowed their heads and left, closing the doors behind them. The commander shifted so that she was sitting with her legs crossed. “Okteivia I know you were displeased with my decision regarding the Skaikru and I'm aware of your argument with Klark because of it. I'm curious as to why you came back?”

Octavia almost said that she knew that Clarke was going to be killed and that the commander would practically die with her but stopped as she still had no idea how she wound up in the past. For all she knew this was a dream but if it wasn't...she needed to proceed with caution.“Clarke never showed, that isn't the Clarke that I know. Because the Clarke that I know will do what she says she will. I had to come back. I really am glad the neither of you were hurt too badly. Except Murphy, he got a taste of his own medicine.”

“Go float yourself Blake.” He spat, only to start whimpering when Clarke was a little too rough with the needle as she pushed it through his skin. “Stay still Murphy.”

“Raven complained less when Clarke's mom operated on her without knocking her out first, you don't get to whine or be all butt hurt.” She fired back. Even with what she knew about Murphy she would never like the guy very much, he was still a dick.

“Thank you for saving my life, Okteivia.”

Before Octavia could respond there was a strangled exclamation from Clarke, her voice was rough, “Oh sure she gets the gratitude for saving you. All I get are lectures about how inevitable your death is.”

“You should not be speaking so much, Wanheda. The damage to your throat will be made worse.” He quailed under Clarke's unimpressed glare but she refocused her attention on suturing Murphy's wound closed.

Octavia simply nodded at the commander and then promptly collapsed into the nearest chair, letting out an exhausted sigh. Out of the corner of her eye she spotted the commander swiping a hand under her eyes, Octavia swore then and there to always have Lexa's back; even if she didn't agree with some of the commander's decisions. She fought against the exhaustion that made her eyelids droop but it was futile.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa **  
**

* * *

Her throat was killing her. Every minuscule movement made it throb and her headache wasn't helping matters at all. But she pushed it back as she worked with the healer, Alton, on Murphy's many wounds. It was even worse than it looked. _I knew Titus was a bastard but even Murphy doesn't deserve this._  
****

Murphy also sported fading bruises on his throat as well as numerous others that were still a purple-blue that told her they were only a few hours old. His face was a mess of small cuts and there was blood everywhere. Several of his bones were broken.

As she worked, she was hyper-aware of Lexa's presence behind her and out of the corner of her eye she saw Octavia had made herself comfortable. She was just as grateful to Octavia as Lexa was for coming back to the tower. When she had rushed to the door and saw Lexa stepping through it she didn't think, she just leapt in front of her; fully expecting to die.

Instead she'd toppled backwards through the doors. The sight that greeted her was so unexpected, Octavia had somehow saved her and Lexa. That's when a surge of rage exploded outward and she launched herself back into the room. It wasn't one of her brightest ideas but there was no way she'd let Titus get away with almost killing Lexa and Octavia.

There was a slight shake in her hands as she set her tools aside after the last suture. “Rest as much as you can and try not to rip your stitches.”

“Whatever you say princess.” She was tempted to stab him with the needle and just as her resolve wavered the doors were pushed open for the millionth time.

Grath and Zoran stopped just inside the room. Grath spoke first, “Heda, the rooms are ready.”

Zoran simply nodded to Lexa and stood at attention awaiting further orders.

“Grath you will help Murphy to his room. Alton please see to Okteivia's injuries, Zoran you will carry Okteivia to her room when he's finished.” The three grounders nodded at their commander and set about their tasks. By the time Clarke had processed the chaos of the last forty minutes, Lexa had vanished from the room.

“Wanheda, please allow me to treat your injuries.” His voice was too loud and she did her best to not recoil. When she looked at him, she saw warm brown eyes drowning her with concern and a touch of fear.

“Give me your bag.” She said and before he could protest, she snatched it from the floor. As she was striding towards the doors she passed the chair that Octavia had crashed in. “Zoran,” The woman raised an eyebrow in response. “Please move Octavia to the couch. She can stay here.”

She didn't wait for the woman to acknowledge her as she exited her room and headed straight for Lexa's. The hall wasn't very long but it seemed to stretch on for an eternity before she reached her destination. Daxos and Ram were standing to either side of the doors and both of them tensed as she approached. They shift to bar her from entry but before she can say anything the taller of the pair, Daxos, speaks, his voice was low and his gray eyes intense, “Wanheda, be careful.”

And with that they let her pass. The sight that greeted her on the other side of the doors made her chest constrict painfully. She stood frozen as her eyes swept around the sheer amount of destroyed furniture with specks of black blood splattered across all of it. At the center of the destruction, it looked like a hurricane had tore through the room, Lexa was sat with two short swords across her lap, each hilt had smears of black staining the pristine white leather grips, and on each of the swords was a braid; one of them was Anya's.

She wanted to ask who the swords belonged to but deep down, she knew. Her steps were taken with care as she moved toward Lexa and as she got closer, she saw more signs of Lexa's distress. Her breathing was rapid and shallow, her hands had a death grip on a black bow that Clarke hadn't seen from the door way, and when she finally stood before Lexa, her green eyes were hollow and unseeing. But what broke everything inside of Clarke was Lexa's near silent, almost reverent, chanting of the same phrase over and over. “To be commander is to be alone; love is weakness.”

“Lex.” Despite the body wide tremble, her voice didn't betray how much Lexa was scaring her right now. But her terror only increased when there was no visible reaction from the commander or any pause in her chant.

The next thing she tried to do got her a response in the from of a growl as she had reached for the bow that Lexa held. As soon as she retracted her hands Lexa settled again and resumed chanting. She couldn't hold back her tears as she took several steps back to think about how to get through to Lexa. She was frustrated and as much as she thought she knew about the commander, she could only grasp at straws as to why Lexa was like this.

She considered trying to slap some sense into the woman but instantly dismissed that idea as she knew that Lexa wasn't all there. And if Clarke became a threat to her, it would lead to an automatic adrenaline fueled response that Lexa would have no control over. But as the minutes passed her heart sunk at the prospect of having to literally knock some sense into Lexa.

After a few more moments of deliberation, she decided the best approach was to use the same one that she used when hunting panthers; to use herself as bait. Once her mind was made up she acted. Her steps were quick and sure as she rushed Lexa, snatched the short swords from her lap, and jumped as far back as she could. She ended up near the bed.

A low hiss was Clarke's only warning before Lexa was closing in on her, the bow still grasped firmly in hand and raised high in preparation to strike. She tossed the swords to the ground and crouched low, waiting. At the last possible second she sprung up and caught Lexa around the waist as the bow slashed through the air toward her. For a split second her mind registered sharp shooting pains in her arms as she halted Lexa's momentum then with all of her strength she lifted Lexa off of the ground and they both toppled onto the bed.

The impact stunned both of them. Lexa recovered first, her eyes were still hollow and unseeing as she struggled to lash out at the Azgeda gona attacking her. “I won't let them take you Kost, run!”

_But to her horror, she was unable to move as something was pinning her in place. And no matter how much she writhed or called for help, none came. She watches helplessly as the gonakru drag Costia further and further away from her. The thought that no one should have known where they were heading, won't cross her mind for years to come.  
_

* * *

[ _I know they say that the space between, can make it stronger than we've ever seen, they might be right but I disagree, cause I've never felt stronger than when you're with me._ ]

* * *

_Her heart stopped beating as the Skaikru leader pulled a braid from her pocket. She wanted nothing more than to breakdown right then but pushed it back as she accepted the braid. “Shof op, Indra. Anya was my mentor before I was called to lead my people.”_

_She can't look into those intense blue eyes anymore, she glances down at the braid and gently places it on her throne.“Did she die well?”_

_“Yes by my side. Trying to get a message to you.”  
_

* * *

_“Ste yuj.” The rasp of metal echos loudly in her ears, the blade is steady in her hands as she brings it level with his chest._

_“Yu gonplei ste odon.” She must look like a monster to the Skaikru as she slowly slides the blade home. They will never know how her heart is irrevocably broken as she kills the last of her family, the last of her people to ever bother to get to know Leksa.  
_

* * *

[ _I wanna be so far gone in you, so far nothing else will ever do, I wanna be so far gone in you, in you..._ ]

* * *

“Everyone always leaves me.” She whispers as her struggles abruptly cease. She does not expect a response but the one that comes, she latches onto with every ounce of her strength as more memories flash across her vision, “No way.”

_The ground quakes as the pauna leaps over the wall and lands in a crouch on the other side. She pushes back the bile at seeing Penn being pummeled to death and thrown aside as the beast easily scales the pile of rocks._

_Her ears ring as bullets rip through the air. A rock flies at them and more shots are fired before she sees the beast topple backwards. For a moment they breath a little easier then with a deafening snarl its head pops back up and they run. Tremors travel through the ground as it chases them across its feeding grounds. When they reach a dead end, she is quite impressed and worried as she watches Klark jump over the rail. With only a moment of hesitation, she follows and lands badly. Her shoulder impacts the solid stone and a grunt of pain is forced from her.  
_

* * *

[ _I've stood alone and I've fallen down, your hands were there to pick me off the ground, sometimes I cry cause I can't believe, your love is big enough to cover me._ ]

* * *

_She knows she's going to die, she is the commander, it was bound to happen eventually. Impossibly she is lifted off the stone and being pulled along by Klark. As they hobble toward a small opening in the wall ahead of them, she swears she can feel the beast's breath on her neck._

_Klark moves through the opening first and as she follows, Klark turns back to assist her through. The beast catches her leg with its hand and yanks her backwards. Her hand locks onto the edge of the opening, the beast tugs on her leg, “Leave me!”_

_“No way!”  
_

* * *

_The crackle and pop of burning wood harmonizes with the endless loop of the single word in her head: Never. She curses the weakness that Klark has sparked in her. She knows that Klark didn't mean that she'd never leave her, they barely knew each other. But no matter how hard her head told her no, her heart said yes. A far off snarl of rage jarred Klark from her sleep and as she shot up right, Lexa was quick to reassure her, “Its okay. You're safe.”_

* * *

 When her vision clears of memories, she is afraid of what she'll find this time. Therefore she is unprepared to feel a warm body pinning her to a bed, her bed. The person with their arms around her was singing, their voice was barely a whisper but she would recognize it anywhere. “Some times I wonder why you even care, cause even when I leave you're always there with me, and like a candle makes a brighter place, this mark you've made on me can't be erased.”

“D-Did I hurt you?” She has never felt so uncertain about the answer she would hear. The last time this happened, she put twelve guards in the infirmary.

“Uh,” Klark's hesitation is the last straw for Lexa and she can't suppress the sob that breaks free of her control. “no. I've fought panthers more ferocious than you, commander raccoon.”

She swallows her laughter and tries, and fails, to keep a smile from spreading across her face. “Mockery is not the product of a strong mind, Klark.”

“But your war paint totally makes you look like angry raccoon and just so you know, I happen to find raccoons to be very cute.” She almost doesn't hear the tremble in Klark's tone, almost. But she was too focused on Klark's voice to notice how firm Klark's grip on her was. “We don't have to talk about anything tonight.”

“Ai hod yu in.” The sharp in take of breath from Klark told her that her skaifaya's grasp of Trig was good.

With zero hesitation, Lexa heard the very words that she had given up on ever hearing again, least of all from Klark and certainly not after the deal she struck with the Maunon. “I love you too.”

* * *

_**Octavia  
** _

* * *

_Her teeth hurt from how much she'd been grinding them together since her departure from Polis with Indra. Clarke had never showed and if she were honest with herself, it hurt to have her sinking suspicion confirmed; that Clarke would choose to abandon the arkers in their hour of need. She was angry and swore that if she ever saw the Princess again; she'd kill her._

_For the entire harrowing journey from Polis to Arkadia along side Indra, her thoughts were a litany of the same thing; Clarke made her choice, I can't do this on my own, and we need Clarke. She was relieved when the sun finally set, Indra wouldn't be able to see the tears that rolled down her face. She also felt horrible for what she said to get Clarke to come back with her. And she was maybe just a little too quick to judge Lexa for what she'd decided. She probably would've done the same._

_“I hope you kept your skills sharp second.” Indra's voice pulled her out of her miserable thoughts. She instantly pressed against the nearest tree and disappeared into its shadow. A moment later and she heard the footsteps pass by the tree. As she steadied her breathing, she slowly unsheathed her sword and leapt from the shadows._

* * *

  _She was drifting in a haze of red. There was nothing else and she could barely function. But as soon as she saw him, she brought the red to the surface and it was a beautiful sight. The others tried to stop her but then he told them not to interfere. His attempts to help her only spurned her on. “You're dead to me.”_

_No one tried to stop her when she headed for the cave's exit. The air was cold against her skin but she felt nothing. Her world was colorless. All she wanted was to gut Pike and string him up on a tree. Or push him into the mountain's acid fog. She was going to kill Pike, even if it killed her._

* * *

  _Her body was cold, inside and out, but the tears were hot against her skin. She felt sick that she was shedding tears for Bell. He played his part in Lincoln's death. How could she both love and hate him?_

_“Your fight is over.” The commander's tone was devoid of emotion as she lowered the torch to the pyre and Octavia hated her for it. In fact a cold rage made its home in her heart. It was their fault; Clarke and Lexa. After they got the all clear from the commander and re-initiated into the coalition, she was going to find a way to kill them both. First Clarke for siding with Lexa and then Lexa for leaving them to die in the mountain, for putting a kill order on Lincoln, and for the blockade._

_Her plans were derailed when the commander addressed the crowd outside of Arkadia. “Skaikru, you have earned the right to live. You have yet to earn back your place in my coalition. Pike was a good start but it won't be enough. The blockade and the kill order will remain in effect until all of your fayogon are destroyed. Marcus Kane is now your chancellor, any who refute this and wish to lead the Skaikru will have to fight and kill me in single combat.”_

* * *

  _They heard the thundering hooves approaching as soon as they tumbled over the marker for the blockade. Her breath felt like razors cutting her throat as she heaved herself onto her feet and as she helped Kane up, the rider emerged from the trees. It was the commander. Even though she was looking death in the eye she couldn't help but think that Lexa's war paint made her look like an angry raccoon._

_“Come, Reivon needs our help.”_

_Both her and Kane stared at the commander in shock but neither had the time to process anything as the commander ordered her gona to place Raven's unconscious form on the back of her horse. Her and Kane did the only thing that they could, they ran along side the commander's horse barely keeping pace with her. But Octavia would be damned if she let anything else happen to Raven._

* * *

_She was drifting in and out of consciousness as she sunk to the floor. During one longer stretch of consciousness, worry consumed her when she saw Raven recoil from the screens. The mechanic looked anywhere but at Lexa's body that was slumped against the wall on the other side of her improvised hacking device; there was black blood oozing between the commander's fingers, it contrasted sharply with her white knuckles. As the blackness returned to claim her, she thought she heard the most terrifying snarl echo around the room._

* * *

She shot awake, her heart was in her mouth as sweat dripped down the side of her neck, and the air burned her nostrils as though chips of ice were being shoved up her nose. In fact wherever she was, it was freezing. A gust of wind passed directly over her and that's when she heard the chattering of her teeth. It was dark, other than a few lit candles that she could see by the bed. _What the...? Candles?_

As she placed both feet on the ground, she instantly yanked them back up as the stone floor was even colder than the air. She debated whether or not to just go back to sleep and figure out where she was, in the morning. But the call of the luxurious bed was too much to ignore and as she once more braved the cold stone, everything came rushing back. _Holy fuck! This is Clarke's room in Polis._

When she pinched herself it hurt more than it had in the market. _Ow. Way to go branwada, you forgot about the bullet you took for the commander._ The tears that spilled over were stupidly, ridiculously, happy ones. She was actually really happy that she got grazed by a bullet because it meant that this mind boggling adventure was real, she had went back in time.

All thoughts of sleep were firmly driven out of her head as she walked swiftly to the door and as she closed her hand around the handle, the true magnitude of being a legit time traveler hit her like the ark crashing to earth. She numbly retracted her hand from the handle and turned back to the room. She walked robotically to the bed and flopped down on it. Her thoughts were racing a mile a minute.

_What the actual fuck am I going to do? I can't tell anyone, they'll never believe me. And the fuck is this possible?! Fuck I really wish Raven wasn't a chipped zombie right now...oh fuck Raven. And Lincoln..._

She stopped herself right there. She was not going to even entertain that thought because even if he was still alive at this point, there was no way they'd make it in time. She couldn't breath. She couldn't scream, she tried but no sound escaped her. Her chest was heavy and with each passing second, sharp stabbing pain lanced through it. She was getting dizzy and as the edges of her vision started going fuzzy, she heard the doors fly open. There were voices, she heard voices but they were too distant to make out.

“Don't crowd her.” The voice was calm and eased the agonizing pains in her chest. She knew that voice, it was Clarke. “O, can you take a deep breath for me?”

Her jaw refused to budge. She shook her head.

“Yes you can. Its easy. Focus on Lexa.”

As her eyes shifted to the commander, the most vibrant green drew her in, she was captivated. “Good you're doing great, O. Now take a breath when she does.”

Her eyes shifted from the green to the steady rise and fall of the commander's chest.

Awareness, beyond the sensation of fear and helplessness, returned to her slowly as it did she could hear Clarke speaking calmly to her but her sole focus was on breathing with Lexa. “Keep it up, O. You're doing great.”

She was extremely grateful to already be laying down because she was so tired. After a few more moments she tore her attention from the commander and shifted it to the ceiling above the bed. Her voice was a whisper, “Damn Clarke. If I didn't know commander heart eyes only had them for you, I'd let her top me anytime.”

“Over my dead body.” Clarke hissed under her breath. Then she spoke much louder, “I know that's probably your way of avoiding the subject but what caused the panic attack?”

“Pike arrested Lincoln and the other Trikru that were in Arkadia for medical treatment...they're probably dead.” She fought to keep her tears back, she wasn't very successful.

“Octavia listen to me,” She nodded for Clarke to continue. “if Pike's done anything to Lincoln or the Trikru in Arkadia. I'll introduce him to the wrath of Wanheda.”

She shivered at the palpable fury that made Clarke's every word feel like a fist to the gut. But what made it worse was the resigned weariness that she saw in Clarke's blue eyes.

“Thanks Griff.”

As soon as she assured them that she was okay and they left, she curled up under the furs. She did not sleep as it felt like she was falling endlessly in a pit of despair. _What if by saving Clarke and Lexa...I won't be able to save Lincoln._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of crazy shit goes down and I know you'll have a million question but they will be explained as the story progresses, including Clarke's total lack of response or reaction to the clinical discussion of Titus's demise. I'm posting this super late and I haven't gone over it for grammatical errors. Feel free to point those out. 
> 
> Songs in this chatper: So Far Gone by Thousand Foot Krutch
> 
> Trigedasleng Translations (Once again if you don't know what a word is in the chapter let me know and I'll add it to the translations):  
> skaifaya: Star  
> branwada: fool


	3. A Fate Worse Than Death

_**Disclaimer: I do not own The 100 or the characters. I own only the plots/ideas/situations that I have placed the characters in and my OCs.**  
_

* * *

Clarke **  
**

* * *

She should be asleep but after being woken up by the guards because Zoran had heard Octavia start hyperventilating and then returning to Lexa's room, sleep was proving to be elusive for her. Her mind won't stop replaying her brush with death, with loosing Lexa. But the worst part was that it was her fault. She almost got Lexa killed for the arkers. _Why is it a knee-jerk reaction to defend my people? Why is always us or them? Its not like the grounders aren't people, they have families, hopes, and dreams too. And apparently their first commander was from Polaris station. Which is a whole other can of worms._

“Klark,” The click of the K was even more pronounced than normal as Lexa was half-asleep. “if your questions are preventing you fro-”

“Shh...” She hushed Lexa, hoping that the commander would go back to sleep. She had meant what she said earlier; they we're not talking about anything tonight. “My questions can wait. Go back to sleep, beja.”

The only response she got from Lexa was a content sigh and a head placed on her shoulder. It wasn't long before the commander's breathing deepened as she drifted off. Clarke was glad that at least one of them would get to sleep. Her mind simply refused to allow her that luxury; it never could when Lexa was involved, whether she wanted to dwell on the commander or not.

Her thoughts were tormenting her with how horribly she'd reacted to the massacre of the Trikru army by asking Lexa to ignore it, to not wipe out her people. When she'd made sense of what she was seeing on that field, it was like she'd just walked into the dinning hall of mount weather after she irradiated level 5. And just like then, she blamed herself for those dead warriors; her people, her responsibility. But the ungrateful bastards just kept making things worse. _Its a wonder why Lexa hasn't just declared war like Titus wants her too._

With great reluctance she carefully extricated herself from Lexa, who didn't so much as twitch, and climbed off the bed. _Whatever that was, it took a lot out of her and only makes me want to gut Titus even more for causing it. Hypocrite much, Clarke; its okay to kill every grounder but even one of your people and its a deal breaker._

She let out a tired sigh and went about cleaning the immediate area around the bed of shredded parchment, pieces of wood, and the dozen or so candles scattered about. It was slow going but it served as a useful distraction from her thoughts. Before moving on to the rest of the room, she moved the two short swords and the black bow off of the floor; it was only as she placed the bow down that she recognized it, it belonged to Gustus.

Unbeknownst to Clarke, Lexa was watching her from the bed and the commander was in awe at how gently Clarke had handled the mementos that she kept of her family. She spoke the moment that Clarke had placed the second braid down alongside Anya's, “Tris was my half-sister as well as Anya's.”

“I-I'm so, so sorry.” Her voice shook and Lexa was quite thrown by Clarke's reaction. Until she wasn't, “Out of everyone that I couldn't save when we first landed, the girl that Anya abducted me to heal has haunted me the most. Now I know why.”

Lexa was across the room and just about wrapping Clarke in her arms but stilled when she stepped away. “Don't Lex, everyone dies around me. Wanheda is a well deserved title and I'm sure that my own people have started calling me the angel of death too.”

And for once the commander ignored Clarke's wishes as she pulls her into an embrace. “Then I will happily call death mine. Do you want to know why Okteivia has my gratitude for saving my life?”

That earned her a huff of annoyance from Clarke. “She saved you and you are my life, Klark. You were the moment you walked into my war tent.”

She was not expecting laughter but it lifted an unseen weight off of her shoulders when Clarke pulled back and she saw the twinkle of mirth in those sky blue eyes. “Who knew that the ruthless commander of 13 clans, is actually a giant sap.”

Her brow furrowed at the mention of 'sap', the skaikru expressions were odd. But her confusion was driven firmly from her mind when Clarke leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “You're adorable when your confused.”

“And you have questions that are keeping you awake, ask them.” Lexa said before letting go of Clarke, as much as she did not want to, and guided her to the couch.

“You have questions too.” Clarke shot back as she pulled the commander down onto the couch, when it looked like Lexa was going to sit at the other end of the couch, and proceeded to snuggle into her side. “So why don't we both take turns asking them.”

“Very well but you will go first.” Another huff from Clarke greeted her words.

“Were the swords Costia's?” She regretted asking the question as soon as she heard Lexa's sharp intake of breath.

“Yes, they were.” She could hear how Lexa struggled to keep her voice even. So she tightened her grip on the commander and waited for her to continue. “She danced with them and she was very skilled. Blade dancers perform in the four major festivals that are held in Polis every year; Polis being the only neutral city among the clans and being the home of the commanders. The dancers would compete against each other and the first to draw blood, lost. In her first festival, she won every single match and I couldn't take my eyes off of her the entire night. Anya teased me mercilessly about it for the next couple of months.”

The sheer amount of warmth in the commander's voice as she spoke of Costia and her mentor, wasn't enough to mask the tinge of sorrow nor the little shudder-y breaths that Clarke heard. “I wish I could have met Costia, she sounds amazing and I also wish I could've have gotten to know Anya better when she wasn't trying to kill me. Or saw what would've have happened if her and Raven got to meet properly. Probably would've been entertaining to see.”

“Kostia would have loved you and Anya...” She didn't like the undertones of amusement in Lexa's voice, “well the closer that she let you get, the more she tries to kill you. It was one of many dangers of friendship with her.”

“She was shot by your people, wasn't she?” Lexa inquired softly, not accusing or angry just soft.

But it still felt like Clarke had been kicked in the stomach by a horse. Her heart beat painfully in her chest as she had resolved to carry that to her grave but in the end she said,“Yes.”

“Thank you for speaking true, Klark. It was your eyes that gave it away as you handed over the braid. The fact that you knew to collect it surprised me.”

“I watched Anya do it for Tris.” She said as the memories from their first few weeks on the ground flashed across her mind. And as soon as she managed to stem those memories she knew what her next question had to be but she really didn't want to ask it. “I don't want to do this but I have to know, why did you send Anya to kill us? Considering that you must have known we were the first commander's people.”

“The messengers came in the night. Ordinarily something like an object fallen from the skai would be brought directly to my attention however Titus intercepted them. After they gave their reports, he had them killed and he fed me lies. I trusted his word. He tampered with the written reports that Anya sent to Polis. He made your people out to be a trick by Maun-de to weaken the Trikru. He convinced me to remove the problem before I marched on the Maungedakru with the largest army in the history of our people.” Lexa had slipped into her 'Heda' voice and Clarke shivered at the quiet fury it contained.

She instantly pulled away from Lexa, got off the couch, and started pacing trying to keep the unstoppable force of her wrath at bay. She avoided even glancing in the commander's direction as she wasn't sure what she would do to her, if she met piercing green. She gestured for her to continue.

“It wasn't until after my return from the mountain that I made the connection between skaikru and the first commander. Its why I planned to make skaikru the 13th clan. Something Titus opposed greatly.” She could practically feel Lexa's eyes burning into her skin as she paced.

“He also tried to kill me to get you to declare war on us.” Blue eyes met green, she almost didn't catch the flash of guilt in them, almost.

“I would have if the skaikru hadn't attacked that village.”

“The blockade...” Her eyes went wide as her mind connected the dots. “that was your plan all along.” She breathed out incredulously. “But...why?”

“The skaikru have proved to be very difficult to kill off and during the war with the mountain, I witnessed what war with the skaikru could be. When you returned to Arkadia to gather information about what happened, Indra and I spoke at length about the massacre. If just ten skaikru could kill an army of three hundred...your suggestion of not attacking bought me enough time to think of the best plan and it gave me the opportunity to test how the coalition would react to a break from tradition.” Lexa sighed, “The attack on the village allowed for me to implement the plan; to contain the conflict to a small area and keep casualties low.”

“I don't know whether I should be angry that you're making my people do your dirty work for you or impressed that you found a plan that keeps the most people alive.” She shook her head and returned to the couch. As she settled next to the commander again, she said, “Thank you for protecting my people even though we don't deserve it.”

“My decision to leave your people at the mountain helped create this mess with Pike. If your people had not been concerned with defending their camp from us, they could've found Pike and the other survivors long before Azgeda.” It was a simple statement, not an apology or an attempt to excuse her betrayal, but one that finally shreds the last of Clarke's doubt about trusting Lexa completely.

“Hindsight is 20/20.” She mumbled under her breath before speaking her thoughts out loud, “We need something to tell the ambassadors that explains my presence, along with Octavia's, and why you haven't killed us.”

“I'll tell them you're both under my protection-”

“Yeah and that worked out so well last time.” She spat sarcastically. Then she grinned, “Actually let me tell them that, after you explain your plan.”

* * *

_**Octavia  
** _

* * *

****She was undeniably disgruntled as she was escorted by Lexa's personal guards to the throne room. _What could be so important that we have to delay our departure to tell a bunch of backstabbing ass-hats that we're leaving?_ Her first instinct was to rake Clarke over the coals when the blonde told her that over breakfast. But she managed to hold her tongue as she vividly recalled the flat toneless announcement of Clarke's death, though how she missed the emptiness in Lexa's voice was anyone's guess, and simply continued eating. When she entered she quickly realized that Clarke and Lexa were the only other people there. “So why exactly are we wasting time with this meeting again?”

“Octavia,” The hairs on the back of her neck stood on end at the warning in Clarke's voice. She instantly straightened and wiped her face of any emotion. “I need you to trust me.”

Before she could say anything the other ambassadors started arriving and then several guards rushed at her and Clarke. Her hands inched to reached for her sword as her anger swelled up, it was only the frantic head shake from Clarke, and seeing that none of the guards moved to attack them that stayed her hand.

“Ambassadors late last night the fleimkeipa attempted to assassinate Wanheda in a bid to get me to declare war on the skaikru.” Octavia shivered, and was just a tad turned on, at how the fiercely the commander stared down the whole room. “And since none of you carry the flame and can't foresee how disastrous, not to mention costly, open war with the skaikru would be. I am forced to waste my time, better spent on more pressing issues, this morning to explain my plan.”

Octavia choked on her laughter and convincingly turned it into a cough. Her mirth transformed into utter awe as the commander succinctly summed up her plan, the reasoning behind it, and reiterated that she was surrounded by idiots. But that was nothing compared to what happened next. She watched as the commander gestured for her guards to let Clarke ascend the steps in front of the throne.

“Octavia and I are here under the commander's protection, the first commander, as the skaikru are Becca Pramheda's people. Commander Lexa has tasked us with keeping the blockade informed of any attacks that Pike has planned and if necessary, this is why Octavia is here, to help a small gonakru infiltrate Arkadia to kill the skaikru responsible for the massacre of the Trikru army and the attack on the Trikru village.” Stunned silence greeted Clarke's words as she lifted her palm and revealed a distinctive, and a very old, scar in the center of it; it was an infinity symbol.

* * *

It wasn't long after that that they left Polis and despite their swift departure it was still a two day journey from Polis to Arkadia. She had to push back her mounting frustration when the commander stopped them for the night. But her frustration vanished altogether when she heard Clarke's sounds of distress. She honestly didn't know what was worse knowing that they were too late to save Lincoln or listening to Clarke beg for Lexa not to leave, in whatever nightmare she was having. And every time Clarke whimpered loud enough to be heard, she saw how much Lexa wanted to comfort her but the commander never did.

“You'll be able to calm her if you run your fingers through her hair, Heda. And if you're worried about waking her you won't.” She said once she'd grown tired of watching Clarke suffer, after all, the future she came from was full of it.

“You seem very assured of that.” Lexa's voice was quiet as she started to do as Octavia suggested and was surprised to see how quickly Clarke began to settle.

Octavia swallowed her chuckle at detecting the touch of jealousy in the commander's tone. “I did it when she got that nasty blood fever that that scary general infected Murphy with. She was lucky that I was immune and could take care of her as no one else could.”

“Anya set the fever on you?” Lexa asked and Octavia was delighted to see how affected the commander was by her words.

“Yeah and if we weren't deathly afraid of getting shish-kabobed with spears every time we left camp...we could have saved more of the delinquents with blood transfusions. At least that was Clarke's theory anyway.” Belatedly she realized what she was doing but shrugged and continued to watch the dying embers of the fire in between them. _Old habits die hard._

“Delinquents?”

She was thrown by the confusion from Lexa. “Clarke didn't tell you much about our earlier days on the ground, did she?” Lexa shook her head, “It never came up.” Octavia loosed a breath before jumping in. “The first hundred of us that were sent to the ground, we were all prisoners. On the ark every crime was punishable by death, everything from theft to having a second child; unless you were under 18 years old then they just locked you up, reviewed your crimes, and usually floated you anyway. I was a criminal from the moment I was born. Clarke committed treason but most of us were only locked up for small things like stealing medicine for a sick parent or making moonshine. And before you ask, Clarke's dad found a problem with our air supply and the council wanted him to keep it quiet; he disagreed and was going to tell everyone. Clarke agreed to help him do it but they caught him before he could and locked Clarke in solitary so she couldn't tell anyone in the sky box.”

“What would force the skaikru to such an extreme?” There was something that unnerved her in the commander's tone.

“The ark was made up of 12 space stations. I remember Bellamy telling me in one of my lessons that the ark was the last and greatest feat of human engineering of the old world. A hundred years ago the people on the stations watched the earth burn and for a couple years after the bombs they just drifted in space separate from each other. Then one of the stations started talking to others and the scientists started planning how to bring the stations to together to better the last of humanity's chances of survival. It worked for the most part but resources were limited and they agreed that the only way that they'd survive was to make every crime punishable by death.” She said hoping that the commander couldn't hear the sorrow in her words; her lessons with Bellamy were the best of her miserable childhood. _That Bellamy is gone, get a grip._

But of course the commander heard it. “I can't spare him but I can make his death quick.”

“No. H-He's,” She paused for a moment and bottled up the grief, new and old, that Bellamy's death and future death would bring. “He sealed his fate by following Pike. Let our people have their justice.”

The commander nodded and silence fell between them, interrupted only by the creak of swaying tree branches, after that. Neither the commander or herself got any sleep that night. As their minds were too full of worry for their loved ones to rest, let alone easily.

* * *

At sunrise they set off once more and for a few hours everything was okay. But as she rode behind Clarke's horse, a feeling of dread settled over her. The dread intensified the closer that they got to the blockade. _I hope you're still alive Lincoln because if you're not...I can't loose you and my brother._

She was pulled from her thoughts when war cries filled the air and scouts fell from the trees to surround her and Clarke.

“ _Stand down._ ” Immediately the scouts sheathed their weapons but remained where they were. “Wanheda and general Okteivia are with me, they are going to help us infiltrate the skaikru camp.”

_Never thought I'd want to have her calling me general again._

“But-” He was cut off as Zoran cuffed him on the ear and she glowered at him until the gona took a few hasty steps back.

“Attack them and you attack me.” The scouts disappeared into the trees before the commander had finished speaking. They'd all heard the story of Quint and the pauna.

As they passed into the Trikru camp, Kane emerged from the trees on the other side. He was escorted by several large Trikru. A moment later and a small gonakru emerged behind them, they encircled a group of people that were chained together; her eyes instantly locked with Bellamy's and the betrayal in his eyes cut into her soul. She stared unflinchingly back until the gona behind him prodded him forward.

She was both relieved and horrified at seeing the situation was resolved. Relieved because she had hope that Lincoln could still be alive, and horrified that she'd have to watch Bellamy die again. Her knuckles were white as she gripped the reins hard enough to leave a mark. She promised herself that when it was her turn to cut Pike, she was going to make him scream.

* * *

Lexa **  
**

* * *

Uneasiness consumed her whole being as she saw Kane walk into the camp along with a gonakru who were dragging ten skaikru behind them. Her eyes intently swept over the prisoners, most of them were unknown to her but two of them stood out; Pike and Bellamy. It was too easy, and if there was one thing she learned during her reign as commander, it was that things were never this easy.  
****

_**Its-...ugh fuck you then.** _

She suppressed the tired sigh that threatened to escape her as the echoes from the flame broke through to her surface thoughts. With practiced ease she dismounted and ignored the dull ache at the base of her neck. “Daxos find Indra and have her start the preparations for the executions. Then send messengers to the other sections of the blockade informing them of my arrival. They are also to shore up the defenses and set up a visible perimeter with regular patrols. The patrols are to capture and escort any skaikru to the nearest camp, they are to remain unharmed.” The flare of heat was a warning and she braced for the next intrusion on her thoughts from the commanders.

_**Come on transmit. That's it, the gloves are coming off!** _

“Zoran, Grath see Klark to the command tent. Ram take general Okteivia with you to collect Marcus Kane and bring him to the command tent as well.” Never before did she have to put this much effort in keeping her mask in place when the flame did this. “I will join you shortly.” She spared a glance for Klark and then strode confidently through the camp. As soon as she no longer felt the weight of those blue eyes on her, she ducked into the nearest tent and collapsed into a heap on the ground.

_**“Alright listen up-” The woman's voice didn't belong to any of the commanders, she could recognize them all by now. Her body was sluggish and every muscle felt like it was on fire but she managed to lash out and sweep the woman off her feet. “Of fucking course. I should have known it would be you.”** _

_**“Reivon kom Skaikru?” Her confusion only grew when Reivon flashed her a wide grin, jumped up from the ground and said, “The one and only and holy shit it worked. I mean I'm me and it was totally possible but...damn I'm awesome.”** _

_**“What worked?” She asked as she tried to make sense of what just happened.** _

_**“I was getting to that before you shot the messenger,” She sent an un-amused glare at Reivon, “its code for turn around and meet your ancestor. She's the one who answered my S.O.S.”** _

_**She was wary of turning her back on Reivon but in the end she did and only a sharp intake of breath gave any indication of her surprise. The woman standing behind her was on the other side of a white table and behind her was a row of windows filled with an ocean of black as far as the eye could see.“Welcome to Polaris station, commander.”** _

_**“Yu laik fos heda.” Words unconsciously rushed out of her as she stared awestruck at Bekka Pramheda. Her ability to breath was gone. She couldn't believe one of her foolish childhood dreams had come true. She remembers the stories Titus would tell of the past commander's that got to meet the first but it had been many years since a commander had been honored like that; she had hoped to be a commander that received the honor.** _

_**“This is like the most emotional that I've seen her get. If I'd known that I would get to see commander heartless cry, actual, tears then I would have done an all night-er to pull her in here.” Reivon's whisper was a rude reminder that she was somehow brought here. She instantly pushed everything she was feeling aside and focused on trying to get to the bottom of why she was pulled in. But before she could ask why, Bekka and Reivon started bickering.** _

_**“Raven be nice,” She saw Reivon shoot Bekka an unimpressed look. “after all she is your only hope of passing on the message to Clarke and Octavia. Not to mention she holds the key to shutting Allie down for good.”** _

_**“Bite me.” Reivon shot back. “And who was it that found, breached, and then repaired your bio-computer; wirelessly might I add. All while I avoided detection from the demented bitch, Allie whom decided to kill off most of the planet a hundred years ago. Allie being the other computer system that you created. I will also remind you that commander heartless forced me to watch as Clarke killed Finn, the first boy I ever loved and who is the only reason I'm alive right now, and then she leaves us to die at the hands of those bastards in the mountain. She is lucky that she is my only chance because it was super tempting to fry her brain as I brought her here.”** _

_**“Are you done?” Bekka said with fond exasperation in her voice, as if they were old friends.** _

_**“Oh I am just getting started but we don't have anymore time to waste on personal drama as the commander over there is doing that jaw flex thing that she does when she's about ready to blow her top.” Reivon waved in her direction but stopped dead and turned to stare. “Why are you smiling?”** _

_**“Klark was right, a meeting between you and Anya would have been highly amusing.” She chuckled at the slack-jawed shock that stole over Reivon.** _

_**“Perhaps, while Raven is picking her jaw off the ground. I can fill you in on what's happening in Arkadia, why you are here, how you can help free Raven, and answer any other questions you have?”** _

_**“Yes, thank you.” The smile she received form Bekka at that was unbearably sad, “You won't hold that sentiment long, Lexa."  
**_

* * *

_**Octavia  
** _

* * *

When she'd entered the tent an hour ago she had wanted to grill Kane on whether or not Lincoln was alive. But she inwardly cursed as she would've had to explain how she knew Pike had sentenced the grounders to death. However she did not regret saving Lexa and Clarke one bit because, and it took her a lot of soul searching to realize it, if anyone deserved to have a chance at happiness it was those two. _Is this how Clarke felt when she learned about the missile? I have a ton of information but I risk looking crazy or making things ten times worse with telling them the impossible things that I know. This whole time crap isn't as cool anymore. I can't even tell people what's going to happen or that I knew Lexa would keep the blockade in place until the arkers destroyed the guns. I really wish Raven wasn't a chipped zombie...and how did everything get resolved so quickly?_

Her breath caught in her throat and all the blood drained from her face as a horrifying thought struck her. _Oh fucking hell......_

“Octavia you don't look so good. Are you okay?” She jumped away from the sound of his voice and knocked the table behind her over. Kane eyes bled concern and both Zoran and Grath shifted as if to go to her but remained by the entrance. She was starting to panic as even Clarke paused in her relentless pacing to look at her.

“I-I'm just worried about Lincoln and the other Trikru in Arkadia. Things with Pike were getting out of hand and I,” She took a fortifying breath and pushed down the bubble of her despair. She tensed when Kane's hand landed on her shoulder and she knew her face said it all as Kane's gaze softened with sympathy; it was the same look he gave her after Bellamy was gone. “need him to be okay. He makes me feel like I can belong anywhere but only if he's there too.”

Kane didn't say anything, he gave her shoulder a squeeze before offering her his hand. She took it and let him help her up.“Lincoln is fine and is currently helping Abby see to the other Trikru in med bay.”

And for the first time she breathed in a full breath as the unseen vice around her heart loosened. Then the true weight of what Kane had said hit her, he was alive. She didn't care how it would look to the guards or to the commander when she came back, and she wasn't even sure that she could stop her relieved tears if she tried. _He's alive, he's alive, he's alive._

In the fog of relief and joy she had been unaware of Clarke wrapping her up in a tight hug. But when the hug penetrated the fog, she held onto the blonde just as hard. “He's alive Griff.”

A commotion out side of the tent had the two hastily pulling apart as both Indra and the commander entered. The commander's eyes shifted from Clarke to her and back again a few times before, “It pleases me to hear that Lincoln and the other Trikru are unharmed. But we have much to discuss before the executions.”

The occupants of the tent each adopted a more serious air than before and gave their undivided attention to the commander. “Kane it is good that you are here. You're people have earned the right to live by handing over Pike and his supporters. But it won't be enough to satisfy my concerns. Therefore in order for the Skaikru to re-join my coalition fully, there are two things that I require.”

“I'm listening commander.”

“The first requirement is that you are the chancellor. There will be no elections or voting and any dissension among your people over it, I will deal with personally. The second requirement is the destruction of all fayogon. The blockade will remain in place until these two conditions are met.”

“On behalf of the Skaikru, I accept your terms. I will send word as soon as our guns are destroyed.” He said and waited to see if there was anything else that the commander wanted from him.

“Return to Arkadia and inform Lincoln that I've rescinded the kill order on him temporarily, he will be allowed one cut for each day of his imprisonment under Pike's reign. You're presence will be mandatory for the Skaikru executions. The executions will take place tonight shortly after sunset. You may go.” The commander waved him off and then addressed Indra, “Begin transferring the Skaikru prisoners to the posts.”

After Indra had left she watched as the commander seemed to still be on high alert. Then she addressed her guards, “ _Leave us and see to it that our horses have been properly cared for._ ”

The feeling of dread returned with a vengeance as she saw the apprehensive looks the guards shared before leaving the tent in haste, even more than usual. Then the commander went to the back wall of the tent and cut a hole into it. “Come,” She gestured for her and Clarke to follow. “Reivon needs our help.”

The bottom of her stomach vanished as those words, eerily similar to the last time she lived this, came out of the commander's mouth. Her thoughts raced as Clarke shot questions at Lexa as they stumbled out of the tent. _No. No. This can't be happening, I was supposed to save Lexa by saving Clarke and then everything would be okay. This is even worse._

Her whole body had gone numb and nothing felt real as she climbed onto her horse, it was like she was no longer in her body. The sound of war cries and shouts of 'red fog' were distant but when she felt Clarke yank on her arm to prevent her from being thrown off her horse, she slammed back into her body and focused on following Clarke and the commander.

She doesn't know how long they rode in silence for until she couldn't take it anymore and she gave voice to the living nightmare that they were facing. “They're all chipped aren't they Heda, Arkadia and the whole blockade.”

“Sha.”

“Where are we going?”

“To find Sinclair, Miller, and Harper. They escaped before being forced to take the key and are working on a way to remove it from Reivon.”

After that silence fell once more as the three rode deeper into the forest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a lot of shit goes down in this one...
> 
> Trigedaslang Translations:  
> Yu laik fos heda - You're the first commander. (I think...if someone who is actually learning and or writes with Trig a lot please feel free to correct me.)


	4. Not My First Rodeo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in light of the horrific election that leaves me terrified and worried for my own safety. I'm giving you ~~a teaser for~~ the next chapter. (And working on this story is the only way I can deal with this right now and I'm sure others will need a distraction from this fucking nightmare too.) 
> 
>    
>  ** _Trigger warning! Semi-graphic depiction of torture. Suicidal jokes/references. Proceed with caution!_**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the 100 or its characters. I own only the plots/ideas/situations that I have placed the characters in.**

* * *

  _ **Raven**_

* * *

She was trapped again. Trapped and beaten and angry and she was going to make that bitch Allie regret the day she pushed Raven fucking Reyes out of her own brain for the second time. _That bitch is fucking with the wrong mechanic, let's boogie Allie._

It took longer than anticipated to build the computers, she almost died far too many times for her liking at the hands of the goons that Allie had watching her, that would help her access the outside world. She hasn't wanted to believe it and if she hadn't been so objectionable to it, she would have made different choices. Instead she gets to pin all her hopes on a half-baked idea about reaching out to find the other AI that Allie is hell bent on merging with.

The other AI was a closed system but she was able to wirelessly locate it. Problem was it wasn't functioning properly and it would be a thing to repair it without alerting Allie to its exact location. But it was also everyone's only hope and there was no other way to escape. Four days later she had just input the last few lines of code that would complete the repairs for the other AI when Allie decided to crash the party.

“Well, well, well, if it isn't our AI overlord coming down from on high to mingle with the commoners. What do you have for me today Allie, ECT, self-inflected gunshot to the stomach, amputating my good leg, or are you going to cut my arms open again...” She did nothing to stop the hysterical laughter and in fact threw her head back to let it all out then went back to putting the finishing touches on the repairs. “Can you make this quick, I'm a little busy and I don't have time for your level of insanity right now.”

“I know what you've been doing Raven.” She looked up and raise a brow at Allie. “And it won't work.”

“Ah now you see that's where you're wrong.” She hit enter and grinned as the little progress bar vanished from the screen; the other AI was repaired. There was also a nasty virus spreading throughout the city of Light. “I am a fucking genius and you have made me ten times better than before when you hi-jacked my body. Time to reap what you've sown bitch.”

The virus was designed to disrupt Allie's control over the system long enough for her to get a message to whoever it was that had the other AI. She would have done a victory dance as Allie melted into a red puddle on the ground but she knew that Allie wouldn't stay down for long.

She spent another four days blocking Allie from intercepting her S.O.S. She just hoped that commander heartless wouldn't betray them again.

* * *

_**Raven  
** _

* * *

Her eyes were bloodshot as her fingers flew over the keyboard. She spared a glance for the commander, who was leaning against the wall on her right before her attention returned to the screen. Where said woman was currently hacking and slashing her way through the virtual army of her own people. It was mesmerizing to watch the commander slice off limbs and dance through the arterial blood spray.

 ** _“Reivon,”_** There was a sickening squelch as the commander kicked a body off the end of a sword, and then a screech as she spun bringing her swords up to create an X, catching the huge broadsword and stopping it from cutting her in half. **_“have you found a way around the firewall yet?”_**

 **_“What, is commander heartless not enjoying the bloodbath?”_**  Despite the harsh edge to her words, her eyes scanned the screens frantically for a solution and when she found it, a wide malicious grin split her face, **_“Boom time mother fuckers!”_ **

She cackled with glee as she hit enter and watched as the commander dived for the nearest bit of cover. When the first drop of rain hit the ground, a tiny spark ignited as the water splashed onto the concrete and as more drops fell a raging fire spread.

 ** _“What is this?”_** The commander watched with something akin to awestruck horror as the army was devoured by the flames, that seemed to be fueled by the rain itself.

 ** _“That would be Greek fire,”_**  She paused to input a few more lines of code and, **_“but don't worry commander heartless, I won't stab you in the back, like when you left us in that mountain. As of two seconds ago I made your ensemble fire proof. Now take the alley on your left and go all the way down it. At the end you'll see a door like the ones on the ark.”_**

She breathed a little easier as she watched the commander run, they were almost there, and soon everyone would be free from Allie's control. She sighed in relief as the commander made it to her door. **_“Thank fuck.”_** She said as she rested her head on the table beside the keyboard.

**_“Lexa?”_ **

Her head shot up at hearing Clarke's voice and when her eyes landed on the screen. She flinched away from it and looked anywhere but at the screens and the commander's physical body. But inevitably her eyes were drawn back to the screens. The commander's eyes narrowed to slits and the vibrant green became murky with shadows and unfathomable rage.

**_“Lexa please stop. You don't have to suffer anymore. In the city of Light-”_ **

A war cry echoed across the city, the code on the screens was scrambled and turned to static. **_“-we will owe nothing more to our people.”_**

 ** _“You're just a trick.”_** The commander growled.There was a harsh whistle as the commander's swords slash the air and a thin red line seeped through the white shirt as the commander began chanting. **_“You're not my Klark.”_**

 _Holy fuck, O you were right about them. Lexa isn't seriously going to...of course she is, she left Clarke at the mountain._ A chorus of clicks and clacks filled the air as her fingertips sped across the keys like they were possessed by a demon. With each stroke of a key her hatred of the commander lessened as she tried to stop the tragedy that the stupid self-sacrificing commander was bringing upon herself. _I saw what it did to Clarke and as much as I hate Lexa, she doesn't deserve that._

**_“But I can be. You just-”_ **

She ignored the urge to see what was happening as she typed faster and faster. Her heart was breaking as she heard the commander yell ' _Yu gonplei ste odon._ 'At the same time that she hit enter. And when she looked up at the screen she just about died of happiness at seeing that she'd successfully deleted the fake Clarke before the commander had run the blonde through with the swords.

**_“Thank you Reivon.”_ **

**_“Don't mention it, Lexa.”_** Her smile was so wide that it hurt as she saw the look on the commander's face. **_“Earth to commander heartless, two minutes and counting before you become a brainless zombie like everyone else.”_** The insult had lost it's bite as she saw the commander finally open her door.

The moment that the commander had disappeared behind the door, she closed her eyes against the tide of memories of the first time she'd done this but instead of the commander, it had been Clarke.

* * *

_Everything hurt and she had never been so glad to be in pain before. But her relief was short lived as her eyes tracked Clarke. She tensed when Jasper moved closer too her. “Here,” She saw him drop a white object into Clarke's hand. “I can't do what you did.”  
_

* * *

_The drive to Arkadia was silent after she kind of fangirled a bit over the second AI and its creator Becca Pramheda. And she'd be lying if she said she didn't have a huge girl-crush on said chick whose been dead for a hundred years.  
_

_The silence wasn't good for her, it gave her too much time to think about that desolate and dead look in Clarke's eyes. She may not have gotten to know Clarke very well but she could recognize crushing grief when she saw it and that interaction between her and Jasper raised questions as well.  
_

* * *

_“I don't believe it.” She whispered as she read what the code on the screens was showing._

_“What, did you find the kill switch?”Monty asked from behind her._

_“Don't answer that, Allie can hear us.”_

_“I'm reading the code, Harper. Allie already knows.”_

_“Knows what,” He says as he tries to make sense of the information on screen. But all he sees are numbers. “What are you talking about?”_

_“Clarke is in the city of light.” Her attention is riveted to the screens as the first wave of Allie's soldiers descend on Clarke._

_But before she can do anything to try and help, the commander comes flying out of nowhere. As she shouts a fierce war cry into air, the commander slashes her swords in a wide arc, slashing all four of the soldiers' throats that were near Clarke. The commander's every motion was fluid, her swords flashed as she danced through the assault of enemies._

_When the commander stabbed the last enemy and had sheathed her blades, Raven was shocked to see commander heartless run to Clarke; even more heart wrenching was how Clarke reached for the commander. The hug she witnessed between Clarke and Lexa was the most bittersweet and painful thing that she'd ever seen. And for just a moment, she saw life spark in sky blue.  
_

* * *

  _After the door appeared and she learned that the commander had a mean right hook, it got even worse. She could see the life fading from Clarke and as the commander was going to run off and be noble, a vice closed around her heart as she saw the look in Clarke's eyes as she looked at the commander, as if it were the last time that she'd ever get to see her. Clarke never said a word but she was astounded at how easily the commander could read Clarke. “I'll always be with you.”_

_As soon as Clarke passed through the firewall, the people attacking the commander vanished. Raven quickly started to scan for where Clarke went and just as she found that bit of code, another more insistent sequence of code caught her eye. “Look after her for me, Reivon kom Skaikru.”_

_She froze and stared at the screen with the commander's code and she felt the heavy weight of those green eyes. It gave her unpleasant flashbacks to that moment when the commander had sliced her arm open._

_“Beja, Reivon. I have no right to ask anything of you. But she needs someone to care for her. Don't let her light fade.” The commander of thirteen clans was on her knees, begging._

_Her fingers were steady as she started typing a line of code but by the time she hovered them over the enter key, they shook as she pressed down._

_“You're damn right you don't get to ask me for anything, commander heartless. But I will look after her.”_

* * *

 The screens went dark as the commander's eyes slowly opened. “Is it done?”

“Yeah.” She nodded and watched as the commander stood up. “What's next,” She almost said her nickname for the woman but she was so tired of pretending that they weren't friends. She'd deal with the consequences later, as it was highly likely that she'd travel again soon, and so with the weight of old memories at the forefront of her mind, “Leksa?”

The slight tilt to the commander's head at her Trig accent was extremely satisfying. _Hmm maybe I should make a game out of this with O. See if the two of us can't break those walls down._

“We cleanse the pain of the past in fire.”

 _Oh fuck, I forgot how much seeing that fake Clarke made her withdraw into 'Heda Mode'._ “You know Heda, you could have just said, burn the dead.” She fought down her amusement as the commander sent her a withering glare. _Maybe next time I will have figured out how to stop that idiot from trying to kill you.  
_

* * *

_**Raven  
** _

* * *

_The wind was pleasantly cool as they moved through the village's square. The general had stepped up their patrols ever since the object had fallen from the Skai. The people inside the object did not appear to be a threat. But then the scouts had reported their attempts to reach the mountain and that made them nervous. After the second object crashed down they'd seen an increase in ripa activity._

_Theo, who had received his warrior marks that morning, glanced up to gauge how long it'd be before they reached the other side of the village when he saw the missiles hit the square. Theo was frozen in place as the acrid smoke filled the air. He looked around at his fellow gonas and they'd just begun to relax as the wind picked up. The dying embers from the missiles were ignited by the wind and within seconds the village square was a raging inferno._

_Instantly he brought the horn he carried up to his lips and blew two short blasts, then a much longer one. “Faya!”_

_As he rushed to the buildings that had yet to catch fire to help get the people out, tears spilled over his cheeks as he turned away from where his family's home was entirely covered in flames. He knew they were dead so he pushed down his grief and went to save as many as he could._

* * *

_His legs shook as he carried Tris into the temporary camp. He was lucky that he'd been held up helping the survivors of his village and had to delay his departure. Because of his lateness general Anya had placed him toward the back of their formation. He saw the explosion on the bridge and the sheer force of it had knocked him off his feet._

_He'd jolted awake some time later with Anya's seken laying not to far from him. He saw the look of relief that flashed in her eyes as he brought Tris into camp.  
_

* * *

_He rushed forward to embrace his little brother when he saw him in Tondisi, he hadn't expected to see him alive after the village had burned down. His joy was short lived when the Ripa attacked. But he would be damned if he'd let the Maunon take the last of his family. They'd survived the attack. Then he watched as his brother was shot by the fraga.  
_

* * *

_“Do you know why you are here, sky girl?”_ Her head was pounding as Theo shouted into her ears. She was disoriented and had no idea what was going on.

The last thing that she could remember was helping the residents of Tondisi set up a relay tower for the radios that the commander ordered her to build. It had been slow going until the commander recommended enlisting the help of Theo, who'd shown an interest in mechanics.

As soon as she'd seen him, a dull ache pulsed in the back of her head. She'd pushed through the discomfort and after awhile the ache went away. But later that night that ache resurfaced as a migraine that forced her to retire early. Her dreams that night were just brief flashes of colors like a kaleidoscope. Her dreams slowly got clearer as she spent more time working with Theo.

 _“I asked you a question.”_ He growled. Her silence must have angered him further as he'd dragged a blade across her back.

The pain ripped into her disorientation and that's when the other pain she was feeling made itself known. Her shoulders and arms were sore and the muscles in them were screaming as she tried to shift them. The motion caused the shackles on her wrists to dig in and as a slow trickle of blood began running down her arm, her eyes shot open; she was hanging from the ceiling in a run down shack.

Another searing line of pain was drawn across her back. _“Don't make me ask you again.”_

“I,” Her eyes closed against the images that threatened to overwhelm her from the nightmare she'd had last night. But she knew it wasn't a nightmare, for months now she'd been having nightmares about different people; echos of their pain from the city of Light. “yes. I know why I'm here.”

" _Good._ ” He said as he pressed the tip of his blade against her back once more, _“Are you prepared to meet your death?”_

“Yes. And for what its worth I'm sorry about your family, no, I'm sorry about all of them.” She tried her best not to make a sound as he started cutting into her back. By the time he'd made the seventeenth cut she passed out from blood loss.

* * *

“I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.” Their eyes stared through her as they shambled forward. Flames licking at their skin as it went from red to coal black.

“ _Hold her down._ ” The voice was accompanied by more pain as it came alive across her entire back. It felt like she was trapped in the burning village.

“No you can't take that. Stop. Three hundred people will die.” She was delirious from the rough treatment that her head had gotten during re-entry.

“ _He's infected her with the fever. There nothing we can do._ ” She weakly attempted to say, 'blood transfusion' but she slipped into the comforting darkness before she could get the words out.

* * *

_“You know how to make the pain en-”_

_She watched as the commander's lover, who was chained to the wall spat blood in her mentor's face. It took a lot of strength not to act, the last time she'd done so without the queen's leave; Nia had had her whipped._

_“I'd sooner die than help you.”_

_“I do so wish we could have come to an understanding, Kostia.” Nia tutted and wiped her face off before striding toward the door. She was quick to follow after her. “I suppose, I'll just have to send you back now.”_

_“Leksa will never do what you want, she won't give you a war. You could send her my head in box and she still won't given in.” The color drained from Costia's face as she saw Nia pause in the doorway. She quashed the small pang of sympathy that she felt for the commander's lover as the fool peaked the queen's interest._

_“My, my, my,” Her blood turned to ice as she heard the malicious glee caressing each word that Nia spoke. “That, my dear Kost, is a splendid idea. I was going to have my faithful Gerall remove a bone from you and then taunt your commander with the uncertainty of having freed your spirit completely. But this...is a much better idea. Its a shame that I didn't think of it myself. Ontari kill her however you see fit and do be sure to not mar that pretty face. After all, we must make our message to the commander as clear as possible.”  
_

* * *

_"Actually I've asked Clarke to say in Polis as my guest.” She braces for his disapproval and she isn't disappointed. “Clarke will you excuse us.”_

_At Klark's nod she watches wistfully as the blond leaves, she really wants to leave too. Once the doors close she turns away from him. She waits patiently for the lecture she knows is coming._

_“On this sacred day I beg you to remember my teachings,” At his pause she turns and gives him her full attention.“Love is weakness. To be commander, is to be alone.”_

_“I will not hear this again.” She sighs before brushing past him._

_He is already speaking as she finished. “Yes you will.” He turns to keep her in sight. “Your feelings for Clarke put both of you in danger.” She unconsciously starts grinding her teeth. “Your kill order must be fully enforced,” Her breath starts coming faster. “If you care for Clarke, you will send her home. It is the only way that she will be safe.”_

_She has her breathing under control as he falls silent. She's still grinding her teeth.“Don't make her pay the price for your mistakes as Costia did.”_

_She goes still at this as her eyes shift to him for an eternal moment. “My mistakes,” Her rage is simmering just below the surface and is singing through her blood as she steps closer to him. “Azgeda cut off Costia's head and delivered it to my bed. And still, I let them into my alliance! I am more than capable of separating feelings from duty!”_

_“I'm sorry Leksa.” He could hardly stand to look her in the eye but he does. “I did not meant to offend you.”_

_“Yes you did.” His focus shifts to the floor. “But you also mean well and I know that, teacher.”_

_He looks up with a small measure of hope in his eyes and inquires beseechingly, “May I make arrangements for Clarke's departure?”_

_“That's up to Klark.” As he shifts nervously and debates on whether or not he should say anything more. She continues, “I know where you stand, Titus.”  
_

* * *

There was a grittiness to her eyes as she cracked them open and almost immediately a hoarse groan spilled out of her as the harsh glare of sun light fell on her face. Her back gives a twinge of protest as she turns over to fire a bullet into the last grounder of the army that attacked the drop-ship. Honestly she was about ready to swallow a bullet herself with this fucking time travel deal she had going.

She was completely out of it when the ark guard found them but was jostled and shaken so much on the stretcher that she was forced to think about what she'd do this time. _Here we go again. I need to study the area around the drop-ship. So I can aim the flares properly next time. And maybe this time I can actually stop Finn._

Unfortunately do to complications from her surgery and the infected burns on her back, she was kept on strict bed rest until Abby cleared her. By the time she was freed from med bay, Clarke and the others had left for Tondisi to burn Finn with his victims. _Maybe next time I could make a secret pair of radios and make Octavia take one with her before the battle, so that when Clarke shows up in camp, she can talk him down. Or maybe I should...  
_

* * *

_**Raven  
** _

* * *

It had been a fucking nightmare of a day. As it had been packed with mandatory lessons on leadership from Kane, the only bright spot had been earlier that morning when she showed Lexa the crossbows. She couldn't stop smiling at how she'd managed to crack the mask of indifference that the commander always wore. She took great pride in knowing that she was the only one who could get her to feel anything other than sorrow or rage. _Octavia's turned it into a sport. Wish I could some how get O to cut Lexa some slack..._

Over all things hadn't got too badly this time, except she still couldn't for the life of her figure out how to save Anya, Gustus, or Clarke. As far as she could tell was that she needed to be healthy enough to travel to Tondisi, but also distraught over Finn's death enough for the giant idiot to target her; another thing she was tired of pretending to be tore up about, Finn. Its taken her longer than it should have to realize that she loved the Finn she had on the ark and even longer to fully accept that that boy died the moment he took the fall for her. She also only had small bits and pieces about the night Clarke was dragged into med bay.

There was one thing that she had down pat now though, she could properly aim the flares away from any Trikru villages; especially Theo's. When she'd finally succeeded in not burning Theo's village down he'd become somewhat of a friend. From then on she always aimed the flares but occasionally the weather altered the trajectory of the flares and Theo's village burned; in those loops, he tracked her down and killed her.

For the last few loops she'd been trying to narrow down the locations for farm station and stop Pike from massacring the army Lexa sends to protect them. She loosed a frustrated breath and slammed her fist down on the table, tearing a hole into the map. She wasn't worried about anyone coming to check out what the noise was, her workshop was on the other end of Arkadia; no one was around at this hour to bother her. She has been through countless loops now and she is so tired of pretending. So tired of being trapped in the City of Light and trying to sent overt messages to Lexa. Tired of having the weight of the world on her shoulders.

“Maybe its time I stopped being overt. I should try to convince Clarke next time that I'm some how stuck in a time loop...” She groaned and slumped over onto the table. Her leg was in pure agony as she moved but she couldn't be bothered enough to care. “It sounds like I escaped from the loony bin when I say it out loud.”

She stayed like that for a while until she couldn't stand the pain in her leg anymore. She about died when she levered herself off the stool and hobbled out the door. The trek was even longer as holding that pose had aggravated her leg. _I also need to figure out how to stop Lexa from leaving us at the mountain. It causes her no end of grief from the Azgeda and five other clans when they learn of her dealings with the Maunon. Fucking assholes._

It was amazing to finally be able to prop up her leg and relax on her couch for a few hours. She hardly slept nowadays because Allie's mind invading re-wired her brain with all the memories of her chipped puppets and those memories turned her dreams into nightmares. But without those memories she wouldn't be so driven to get things right with the grounders, she was disgusted with how arrogant and maunon like the arkers were; something she was guilty of as well before the time loops started.

* * *

Every fiber of her being wanted to hold the commander as she wept for Clarke. But their friendship wasn't as close knit as the last loop's, so ehe settled for a happy medium and stayed in the room, as a bastion of silent support. _We both need to get drunk. Because I know she'll have trouble remembering much of anything that I say about time travel if I get enough of Monty's hooch in her and maybe I can risk asking for information about Gustus and Anya.  
_

* * *

**_Raven  
_ **

* * *

If there was one thing that she wishes she could keep from the city and bring with her, it was the coffee; it helped to ease the blow that not not taking the key, was the lesser of two evils. The one time that she had told Jaha to go fuck himself, it had unleashed a chain of unforeseen events that conspired to get her chipped as fast as possible; her reticence to accept the chip pushed Allie into 'hacking people' faster than the original time line.

She sighed before chugging the rest of her latte, as it seemed like there wouldn't be any new arrivals to the city today and Allie's firewall was closing in on her virus. She needed to move on or Allie would be able to see her. She sighed again before standing and making to leave the coffee shop when Titus, who was still some what of a huge question mark on her mental time loop map, appeared inside the shop.

“Welcome back to the City of Light, flame keeper. ”

She had to fight down her initial reaction to move closer to Allie and the man responsible for causing so much suffering. _So this is the bastard responsible for getting her killed and for what's happening in Arkadia and the blockade in this loop._

“I live to serve the flame,” Her blood was boiling as the flame keeper spoke with a reverence in his voice as he addressed Allie.“I was unable to acquire the flame from Leksa.”

She rolled her eyes at that but a small grin persisted at hearing how, at least, one thing was going well. This loop had kicked her ass and even though she'd found Pike and farm station's location within a month after Lexa had betrayed them. He'd managed to turn Arkadia against Kane even faster after the Azgeda destroyed the mountain. The self-destruct code, much to her dismay, was different each loop. _Can't win them all but I'll die trying._

“However she is headed for the blockade with Clarke, the journey will take them a few days. How is the situation with Pike proceeding? ” Her breath caught in her throat as she heard him speak Clarke's name. She carefully positioned herself to better eavesdrop on Titus and Allie. _What in the actual fuck did I do, that saved her? How?! This has got to be some kind of game. Clarke has never made it out of Polis alive since that loop, where I went to the capital with Bellamy and Octavia._

“Two days will be sufficient for the Pike issue to be resolved. Tell me, would Lexa take the key if Clarke only existed in the city?”

She unconsciously crushed her empty foam cup and stayed unnaturally still as Allie causally discussed Clarke's imminent demise like it was just another day at the office. This was the last straw. _I am never taking the key again. Fuck the consequences._ Her hatred for Allie had officially reached new heights. Lexa's emotions in regards to Costia, and Ontari's memories of her torture, had caused her first intense breakdown since the loops started; it was not her last. _Doubtful, commander heartless is the most tragic self-sacrificing person I've ever met. And there's her vow to Clarke too. So nice try Samaritan but you'll just push my best friend into full on Heda mode._

“No. The only way forward is to kill Lexa and take the flame.” He rubbed his chin, as he thought deeply for a moment. “Suppose you had Kane and the others bring Pike to the blockade as Leksa arrives. She'll need to move quickly to have them executed...did your agents approach Emerson kom maunon? And was he receptive to their offer? Has he taken the key?”

“How may I serve?” It took every ounce of her strength to not jump over the table that separated her from the trifecta of this loop and murder them, violently. In fact she was mentally reciting her mantra to keep her homicidal urges, that these three birthed in her, at bay. _Watch, listen, learn, adapt, and plan. Watch, listen, learn, adapt, and plan. Watch. Listen. Learn. Adapt. Plan._

“The red fog that your people used to take large numbers of Trikru, do you still have some of it?” She could feel the warmth of her blood as it slowly seeped through her fingers as her nails punctured the skin of her palms at Emerson's nod.

“Leksa is likely to hold the executions, a candle mark after sundown. We use the red fog in our ambush and kill Leksa. Then take everyone else prisoner and force them to take the key.” Both Titus and Emerson gave Allie their full attention. She thought they looked like over eager puppies when Allie gave them the green light.

Her blood ran cold when Allie turned and locked eyes with her after her two lackeys left. “Ah Raven I was wondering where you'd gone. Now I require-”

She had barely made it out the door before her EMP grenade detonated and plunged fourteen city blocks into total darkness; the disgruntled grounders that would be complaining about their wifi not working over the next two days was an added bonus. Sometimes she wished an EMP grenade inside the city wasn't just a glorified smoke bomb and could do lasting damage to Allie. _I have two days to smash through Becca's firewall and get an S.O.S to commander heartless.  
_

* * *

_**Raven  
** _

* * *

“Turn her over.” She could hardly draw a deep breath as she felt herself being rolled onto her front. The rich cloying scent of wet dirt was oddly soothing and helped orient her. She caught a flash of red on the edge of her vision as she felt a slight cool sting slide down the back of her neck.

“O, her heart is in fibrillation. We need to hit her with a shock baton now.” In the back of her mind she heard herself think. _“Ooo fibrillation sounds bad.”_

“Your fight is not over yet, Reivon.”

 _“I love your voice Leksa. It oozes sex and does deliciously awful things to me. But I know you're still carrying a torch for Clarkey and...I'm sorry that the arkers are so troublesome and you seriously should've just killed us all. I'm sorry that I haven't managed to save general cheekbones, the overprotective gorilla, and Clarkey. You don't deserve to have your family taken from you. And I just want you to know that when I call you commander heartless, its because you have the biggest, most awesosmest heart ever but you can't let anyone see it, except I know you've shown it to Clarkey. So when you hear me say it, just know that its how I show my affection and respect for you- ”_ A searing bolt of heat blooms over her heart and then she sinks into the darkness. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to keep doing what I have been in light of the election and by that I mean write a fuck ton of the fem-slash fics that I have in my head. Because there is no way in hell that I am giving up and in the words of Commander Lexa; Our fight is not over. This election just proves that there is still a war to wage on ignorance. Yes, this lost battle was a cruel eye opening blow to morale but I will not allow the negativity to overcome me. After all, the hardest steel is forged with the hottest fire and this, my friends, is as hot as it gets. Stay safe and my tumblr ask is always open(my blog is also zire-7). 
> 
> Trigedasleng translations:  
> Ripa: Reaper/murderer  
> Fraga: Murderer  
> Faya: Fire
> 
> Also virtual *insert sugary confection/baked good/reward of choice here* to anyone who sees what I did...


	5. From Bad To Worse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many, many, many apologies for how late this is. This hasn't been combed over for errors yet, I will get on that tomorrow. Please enjoy!

_**Disclaimer: I do not own the 100 or its characters. I own only the plots/situations/ideas that I have placed the characters in and my OCs.** _

* * *

  _ **Octavia**_

* * *

Finding Miller, Harper, Raven, and Sinclair had been pure dumb luck on their part. Or the commander's part really. As it turns out the commander's first, Anya or the scary general that had set that blood fever on them, brought her seken to this region and they'd stayed in a cave for a couple months to work on tracking skills. That cave wasn't empty when they'd found it.

“We need to try and slip through the blockade before Jaha and his cult find us-” She drew her sword at the same moment that Harper and Miller tensed upon seeing the commander, she saw the desperation and fear in their eyes.. The next moment she was in front of the commander, staring down the muzzles of two assault rifles. “Don't do anything you'll regret guys.”

“We don't know if she's chipped.”

“We can't trust Clarke or Octavia either, Harper.”

“Klark, Okteivia, and I are not chipped,” She felt the commander place a hand on her shoulder, a non-verbal command to lower her weapon, she hesitated for a moment but lowered it. “if we were then Allie and the coalition's army would be right behind us.”

She stared uncomprehendingly as Miller and Harper glanced at each other before lowering their rifles. _I shouldn't be so surprised, these two were the first to befriend Lincoln after the mountain. They weren't as antagonistic toward the commander about her betrayal when the delinquents talked about it. I wonder why?_

“Why aren't you two being all death to the commander and grounders? Even after the mountain you guys were chill.” Something compelled her to ask a question that had been festering in her thoughts since after the last war with Allie.

“I'd be interested to know as well.” Sinclair said from where he was sitting by Raven's unconscious form.

“Uh...” Harper trailed off as the commander's full attention rested on her, but with a nudge from Miller, Harper continued, “We we're in the harvest chamber when Emerson brokered the deal with the commander; the guards in the chamber were listening with their radios. He offered to free her people and stop taking them. All she had to do was sound a retreat and allow them to take Clarke and the other arkers into the mountain.” Harper's eyes darted from the commander to Clarke and back. “She agreed to withdraw her forces but...we heard her threaten him. If he so much as laid a finger on Clarke or the other skaikru outside, she'd run him through with her sword.”

“A truce with the maunon would be temporary at best. It was the only way to save my people. I couldn't,” The commander took a deep breath to collect herself from the rush of unpleasant memories that this conversation was bringing to the surface. “stand the thought of anything happening to Klark.” The soft click of the second 'K' echoed in the cave, masking the shake in the commander's voice. She doubted anyone else but her and Clarke even heard it. There was no denying the effect it had on Harper and Miller.

They looked like they had the rug pulled out from under them, she imagines that she had that same look on her face at the memorial tree. Miller managed to recover from the commander's confession first, “The commander protected Clarke and honestly, it wasn't the first time our backs were against the wall. Though if you hurt her again, commander...”

“Get in line Miller.” She said in unison with Harper. Everyone was starting to relax when they heard a muffled curse coming from the mouth of the cave.

In an instant everyone's weapons were drawn and they each took up different positions around the cave. She flanked the commander's left side as she saw Clarke take the right. Miller and Harper flattened themselves to either side of the short tunnel that was the cave's entrance. An eternity passed before the intruder exited the tunnel. Harper and Miller didn't move until the intruder had passed them.

“Stay right where you are, Jasper.” Miller said as he pressed the muzzle of his gun to the back of Jasper's neck.

He kept perfectly still. “I'm not chipped guys.”

“And how are you going to prove that?” Harper's question had a wide smile spreading across his face.

“Like this.” There was a click followed instantly by a snap and then everything went white.

Her ears were ringing as the burning whiteness lingered in her retinas, like she'd been staring into the sun for too long. As the world around her slowly took on shapes and color, she heard a pained grunt. When the ringing and whiteness had finally faded, the sight that greeted her almost had her break out into giggles.

The commander was standing in front of Clarke, checking the blond over for injuries. Jasper was laying on the ground, groaning and rubbing a hand over his jaw. Miller and Harper were still trying to blink the glare from their eyes. Sinclair was brandishing a shock baton, he stood protectively in front of Raven.

She shook her head and moved closer to Jasper, knelt next to him, and whispered, “Listen closely Jazzy boy. The last time someone took a shot at Clarke they got a sword lodged in their leg for the trouble. Compared to that guy, you got off easy but the next time you try and hurt Clarke, the commander will run you through with the swords on her back; and I'm going to help her, got it?”

As soon as he nodded that he understood she patted him on the cheek and straightened up. “Heda, he's got battle sickness and Clarke, unfortunately, is a trigger for his episodes.”

“I've had scouts keeping watch on Arkadia and I'm well aware of his condition. Otherwise he'd have more than a bruised jaw.” Despite the undertones of sympathy in the commander's voice, she sent Jasper the coldest look. “We all have demons, Jaspa. The difference between you and I, is that I haven't let mine destroy me. You have many people who care for you and many who won't think less of you for seeking help; as commander that isn't a luxury that I can afford.”

If she hadn't been as close to the commander as she was, she would have missed Clarke slipping her hand into the commander's. Holding it for a moment before the blonde turned Lexa's hand over to inspect if for non-existent injuries.

“She murdered Maya the girl I loved.” He muttered under his breath, she saw him reach into his jacket. Before she could do anything he pulled out a metal flask and took a swig. “I'm not drunk enough to be around the angel of death.”

“Get the fuck over yourself.” She reached down and yanked him off the ground, holding him by the front of his shirt. “I am tired of your self-righteous holier than thou bullshit, Jordan. If it wasn't for Clarke, none of _us_ would be alive, especially you; Mr. I got speared in the chest and lashed to a tree but still alive and kicking. Without Clarke you would have died on that tree.”

She unceremoniously let go of him and as he wobbled unsteadily on his feet, she swept his legs out from under him. The grunt of pain that was forced out of him was music to her ears. “I really miss the sweet boy who jumped into a river to fight off a giant water snake to save me. Now, I wish I was the one who'd thrown that spear.”

Her whole body was shaking with repressed rage. If it wasn't Bellamy, it was Jasper and her rage was no where near spent. Except this time she couldn't beat Jasper bloody it would be just as unsatisfying as it was with Bellamy. “Heda, I'm going to go stand watch at the entrance. I can't be be around him.”

At the commander's nod, she turned and stalked away from the ringing silence that she'd created.

* * *

Clarke

* * *

“Clarke please tell me you have a plan?” A tired sigh escaped her as she thought over Harper's question. That same question was mirrored in Miller and Sinclair's eyes too.

“We remove the chip from Reivon, acquire two more keys, infiltrate Arkadia, and use the keys to destroy the city of Light.” The commander's voice was matter of fact. She loved and hated it when Lexa did this. She saw Miller and Harper shared the same slack-jawed expression at Lexa's plan.

“Oh is that all?” Sinclair's biting tone came as a surprise to her. But when she looked at him, she saw that he was scanning Raven's unconscious form. She'd seen that same look on her dad's face when she caught the annual space cold. She wasn't the only one that saw right through his mask.

“Synklar, Reivon asked me to pass on a message that would help you free her.” She stared at Lexa as it was the second time today that she mentioned speaking with Raven. _I will pry answers out of Lexa later._ “EMP gun.”

“So that's what that was.” He muttered under his breath as he rummaged in the bag hanging off his shoulder.

“What was what?” Clarke prodded before Sinclair could go off into a world of science that she had no hope of understanding, a small smile spread across her face at finally seeing where Raven got her tendency to ramble from; mostly it was about how awesome she was and that she was surrounded by idiots.

“Hmm...” He'd just pulled a crumpled up roll of paper out of the bag and was unrolling it before he answered her, “I found a couple of blue prints on my desk right after the mountain. Raven was my usual suspect but when I asked her about it, she denied that they were hers; she even went as far as tuning me out when I tried to talk about them. I guess this is why.”

She frowned at that but let him mutter over the blue prints about what they'd need and where they could go to find it. She loosed a tired sigh and collapsed to the ground. She grinned ruefully at Lexa as she watched the commander fight with the desire to move closer and or inquire if she was okay. Harper had no such struggle she gracelessly flopped down next to her before pulling her into a brief hug.

“We missed you, princess.” She snorted and took a half-hearted swipe at her, Harper skillfully dodged it.

“It just wasn't the same without you.” Miller chimed in before he pulled her up. Giving her a brief hug too. When he pulled back, “You also look like death warmed over.”

“Oh you know, just another day on the ground.” The three of them shared a chuckle at that before returning their attention to Sinclair as his muttering had died down.

“There are two things that won't be easy to acquire for this to work. We need one of the wrist monitors that we sent all of you down with. The left over ones were destroyed when Allie completely took Raven over. We'll also need an electromagnet, there should be one on the drop-ship. We will probably need a sedative to keep her from waking up during the extraction of the chip. The ones we have will wear off before I get all of this put together.”

“I know where a monitor is, the best part is, its not in Arkadia.” She said. After thinking more on it, Niylah's outpost was a safer bet than staying in the cave. Though she quickly discarded suggesting a move, getting past the blockade with everyone would make it just as dangerous as sneaking into Arkadia would be.

“We're going to have to split up. Harper, Miller, and Jasper you guys head to the drop-ship for the electromagnet. Lexa and I will get the wrist monitor. Octavia can stay here to protect Sinclair and Raven.”

* * *

 Lexa & _**Raven  
**_

* * *

_**“Huh,”**_ She tried to keep her displeased growl from slipping out as she heard Reivon speak to her. _**“I wonder if Griff can imitate the purring too.”**_

She tripped over a tree root as she remembered with perfect clarity that, she had in fact, heard Klark purr. Thankfully Klark covered the sounds of her fall with a very loud yowling hiss of the natkripa.

 _ **“What was that, commander Heartless?”**_ She did her best to ignore Reivon's commentary, hoping it would dissuade her, it did not. _**“Oh, ho, ho. You and Griff? No wonder she didn't want to leave that tower of yours. Not if you can make her purr.”**_

' _Reivon kom skaikru, shof op.'_ She admonished valiantly trying to will the heat from her cheeks before Klark noticed.

 _ **“Are you blushing?”**_ She cursed Reivon with every fiber of her being as she climbed through trees. It was only after her face had cooled that she dared answer. _'No.'_

She heard Reivon's snort and resigned herself to more teasing. _**“Sure, sure whatever you say Lex.”**_ She was caught off guard with the sudden and fierce reminder of her mentor. Anya had done the same when she found out about Kostia. It was alarming how fond she'd grown of Reivon and she resolved to get to know the menace after Allie was shut down. _**“Becca you owe me a back rub. I got commander Heartless to communicate without being dragged into the interface.”**_

If she hadn't been expecting it, the commander would have fallen out of the tree. ' _Reivon...'_

 _ **“Sorry, sorry I'll be quieter.”**_ She rolled her eyes as she suspected that that was as good as it would get with Reivon. Unfortunately the action didn't go unnoticed by Klark before the blonde climbed to the ground.

_**“If its any consolation, Clarke won't think you're craz-”** _

With a tired sigh she jumped to the ground and braced for a barrage of questions.

“What? Was my climbing to loud or something? Are we going to talk about how you knew Raven was in trouble?” Klark's voice was a whisper.

“No, you moved really well. Its not surprising that you'd glide through the trees as a cloud would through the sky.” Klark's smirk was that horrifyingly mischievous one that she'd only seen one other time. “Enjoyed the view did you?”

Her mouth was drier than the Sankru's desert as she gave into the surge of selfishness that hit her. “Yes. Though,” She strode closer to Klark and trailed her fingertips over the black leather of the coat's sleeve. Her other hand plucked at the first buckle, that rested over Klark's breasts before her finger trailed down each buckle. “it would have been better without your clothes on.”

She wasn't at all disappointed when Klark's lips ghosted over hers nor could she help the whimper that escaped when Klark's teeth nipped lightly on her bottom lip. She eagerly parted her lips and surrendered every last ounce of control to Klark. It wasn't until she felt light headed and swore that her skin was on fire that she mustered the strength to pull away. She hadn't managed more than a few inches when her back was pressed into a tree. A tree she had to lean against to stay up right as her legs refused to hold her weight.

The cool night air did nothing to quell the scorching heat that Klark's skin spread through her wherever their skin touched. They were both breathing harsh short pants that burned just as much as their skin. “ _Ai hod yu in._ ” The whisper against the skin of her throat told her that Klark didn't want her to hear it; she wishes that she hadn't.

She exhaled a shaky breath as her arms wrapped around Klark pulling her sun even closer, trying, and failing, to stop the flood of tears. She whispered too. “ _En ai yu._ ”

She did her best to clear her throat and compose herself once she felt somewhat settled from the roller coaster ride of emotions. “We are still too close to the blockade for me to answer your question about Reivon. I would prefer to not be in the open where Allie can over hear us.”

She missed Klark's warmth immediately when she pulled away and nodded, “work before play. If all goes well we only have a two hour hike ahead of us as long as we don't run into another pauna.”

She didn't fight the small smile that pulled at her lips as she kept pace with Klark. Klark's unintended declaration had hardened the commander's resolve to find a way for them, to never be torn apart by anything ever again. 

* * *

They did not run into another pauna but she was worried about how close Klark was leading them to the Azgeda border. What was worse, was how familiar Klark was with the terrain. Keeping her voice low, as there was always something lurking in the forest, she said, “This is where you stayed after the mountain.”

“Yep. “ Silence fell once more as she mulled it over. When Indra had sent messengers to Polis about Klark's disappearance she ordered them to instruct Indra to help the Skaikru in their search; Indra would have sent warriors to all the trading posts with a description of Wanheda.

“The trading outpost is very close to the Azgeda border.”

“I know. It was also close enough for me to hear about any threats to Arkadia through Niylah.” There was a fondness in Klark's tone as she spoke. She accepted the unpleasant twisting in her gut at that; her jealousy and over-protectiveness had caused difficulties in her relationship with Kostia. She was always trying to handle those feelings and the actions that resulted from them better.

The feeling was not a pleasant one but it was another consequence from her deal with the mountain, that she had to live with. “You care for her.”

“She lied to everyone that ever came asking about me, of course I do. So how did you know Raven was in trouble?” Klark said, attempting to change the subject.

“The spirit of the commander is a physical object. The flame is an advanced bio-organic computer chip that when implanted in a human host, enhances their brain function. It does not control them but gives the person the ability to see how their decisions will affect the world around them. Reivon was overtaken by Allie and pushed into the city of light. Once she was there, she proceeded to hack Allie's code and use her resources to search for the upgrade, she found it. However, it was damaged, she managed to wirelessly repair it, breach the firewall, and established a line of communication with me.” She would admit that it was a lot to take in but Klark, in a show of true skaikru resilience, shrugged and muttered, “Another Monday on the ground, definitely a Monday.”

“Klark?” The worry in her voice snapped the blonde out of her thoughts.

“So does that mean that Raven can hear and see everything that you do?” She nodded in answer. “Hi Raven.”

“She says 'sup, Griff.'” She grimaced at Reivon's wording but hearing Klark break out into a fit of giggles was well worth it. Silence descended as they continued toward the outpost.

The outpost loomed ahead but rather then approach the front, Klark led them around to the back and knocked in a specific pattern. As the door opened she stepped back into the shadows to observe the interaction.

“You are not welcome here, Wanheda. No Skaikru are.” Niylah's words cut like knives. Her left hand unconsciously rested on the hilt of her dagger.

“Niylah what's-”

“My father's dead,” The dagger was freed from its sheath at the simmering rage in Niylah's tone, her anger was quiet. “part of an army killed by your people while trying to protect you.”

“I am not defined by my people's actions as you are not defined by your commander's. The people responsible will pay for what they've done. I am sorry that your father is gone.” Her unconscious actions stilled at Klark's words, words that deflated Niylah's anger, but also bit deep at the reminder of her failure.

“What do you need and tell your companion to show themself.” She took a deep breath and push her negative feelings to the back of her mind. A wholly different sensation of wrongness pulsed through her veins at the continued radio silence from Reivon.

“ _Heda._ ” She watched as the trader's eyes shifted from her to Klark and back before a spark of something flashed behind her eyes. Whatever it was, was gone before she could identify it.

* * *

_**Octavia** _

* * *

_The last few days had been surreal as she watched the commander help Abby tend to the wounded. The both of them had been going non-stop since the city of light was shut down. She still hated the commander with every fiber of her being but watching the woman care for the people she incapacitated in the city of light, when it would have been easier to kill them, changed her plans; she wasn't going to kill Lexa._

_“Don't touch me, ya filthy grounder.” Her eyes shifted to the commotion and watched as the commander moved away from the guard. Her eyes remained on the man. She saw him fumble with something on his hip. She was already half way across the makeshift recovery tent when he leveled the gun at the commander. She wasn't going to reach him in time. She threw her sword, the hilt broke his wrist. The man's scream drowned out the thud of the gun hitting the ground._

_Everyone's eyes were on her, Abby was glaring and even the commander looked unimpressed. “Are you fucking serious right now. She,” She'd closed the distance, grabbed his hair, and forced him to look at Lexa, “is Heda Kom Jus, commander of the blood. She is the woman that decides whether we live or die. What do you think was going to happen after you killed her?”_

_He sneered at her and remained silent._

_“We all die. You don't have to like her and believe me there is nothing that I would love more than to run her through with my sword but as Clarke would say 'its not whats best for my people'. If I ever see you threaten the commander again, I'll save her the trouble of killing you and do it myself.” She was hyper aware of the eyes on her as she retrieved her sword and went to stand by the commander. She was also confused by the sharp intake of breath that she noticed the commander take when she'd said Clarke's name._

_“Heda.” She did her best to not make Lexa's title sound like an insult but she wasn't successful._

_“General.” The commander nodded at her and moved onto the next patient, accepting and trusting her to guard her back. Her anger for the commander was nowhere near the level of rage that she felt for Clarke and how she abandoned them, again._

* * *

_It was stuffy in the chancellor's office and crowded. Abby, Kane, and Raven, the commander had requested the mechanic be present for the meeting, sat opposite the commander and Indra. Two of the commander's four guards stood behind Lexa while the other two were outside barring entry to the room. She was standing against the wall to the left of the desk with Monty, and Harper._

_“The coalition will not react well to the Skaikru's role in the war with Allie. Many will demand blood and I'm inclined to let them have it-”_

_“Where's my daughter, Lexa?” Abby voice was unyielding as she interrupted the commander. Octavia couldn't believe Clarke's mom right now, not after everything the arkers have done._

_“Em pleni!” The commander's voice was like the crack of a whip and it instantly silenced the Trikru in the room. “She's dead.”_

_She felt like the walls were closing in on her. In her state of shock she didn't pick up on the stillness to Lexa nor the matter of fact way that the commander had dropped that bombshell on everyone; that stillness wasn't natural. She did see how Raven's attention rested on the commander, her eyes were filled with guilt and sympathy. Her anger skyrocketed upon seeing that, her heart went cold toward the mechanic._

_“Chit?! Ha? Taim?! Yu na govua klin?!” She spat but still managed to phrase her demands for answers like questions._

* * *

She shook her head and scanned the woods, keeping an eye out for any of Allie's puppets. “So you don't seem as pissed off at Clarke as you were after the mountain, why is that?”

She sighed and shook her head. “Its complicated Harper.” She gestured for Harper to let her think for a second, she didn't think that Harper would believe her about the time travel, “The commander helped give me another perspective on the demands of leadership. She asked me if I was presented with the same choices Clarke has had to make, would I have been able to make them. Like what if choosing to warn everyone in Tondisi about the missile, would have led to the mountain men discovering and killing Bellamy.”

“Its also unfair to look to Clarke as our leader and then turn our backs on her after she committed genocide to save us. Also if what Lexa said about her feelings for Clarke was true...and if Clarke was starting to feel the same way, she had to muscle through an even deeper betrayal than the rest of us.” Harper's tone was neutral, free of judgment and she was thankful for it.

“They should have been back by now.” Harper mutter as her eyes scanned the treeline.

“I'm not worried, they do have to slip past an army.” She said. A moment later she heard Harper stifle a snort.

“Just another day on the ground then.”

Her lips twitched upwards, she gave up fighting it and shot a grin at Harper before both of them burst into a fit of giggles.

Both of them swallowed their giggles when they saw two shadowy figures drop from the tees. Harper had her gun up and finger on the trigger. The rasp from drawing her sword had faded when she spotted the red sash.

“Its the commander and Griff.”

“About time, the sedatives wore off a few minutes ago. We had to-”

Harper was cut off by shouts inside the cave. All three of them rushed inside and stumbled into a blood bath. Miller was bleeding from several gunshot wounds, Sinclair was unconscious on the ground with blood dripping down his face, and Jasper was aiming Miller's rifle at the commander.

“All I want is the upgrade in her head. The rest of you will join me in the City of Light.” Jasper's voice had a distinctly feminine tone to it. She'd seen it enough times with Raven to know that Allie was in control.

“I had my agents release this one with enough keys for all of you.” Jasper smiled, it was the creepiest thing she'd ever seen. “You will take them.”

“Like hell, you demented bitch.” Raven snarled before slamming the shock baton into the side of Jasper's shin. She held it there for ten long seconds before Allie regained control.

Octavia rushed at Raven, knocking her down and straddling her to keep her pinned. “Give me something to blindfold her with.”

Something soft and silky was slapped into her outstretched palm. Her hand closed around it instantly. She pushed her surprise down at seeing the red sash as she looped it behind Raven's head.

“Harp, grab the electromagnet. Lexa help Octavia keep Raven still.”

There was the sound of movement behind her and she shifted to let the commander take hold of Raven's left arm. From the corner of her eye, she saw the commander place her knee in the middle of Raven's thigh while she gripped Raven's wrist with both hands. The commander then pulled the limb until it was straight and flat against the ground. Octavia mirrored the commander's actions.

“Had practice keeping someone held down before, Lex?” She wasn't expecting shock and happiness to fill the commander's eyes. She'd inquire what the look was for, later.

“An old friend of mine was incredibly ticklish, but she was much bigger and a much better fighter than me. I had to get creative, O.”

Her jaw hung open in shock. She had to scramble back when Clarke yelled 'Clear'. She turned away from Raven as Clarke brought the baton down. There was a grunt from Harper and a hiss from the commander. As she turned to see what happened, she saw Jasper tackle Clarke off of Raven. He snatched the shock baton from her hand and swung at Clarke.

The commander's dagger spun through the air and lodged into the back of Jasper's neck. No one watched his body fall. “She's in fibrillation, we need to hit her again, now.”

“Ooo fibrillation sounds bad.” Raven slurred.

“Your fight is not over yet, Reivon.”

“I love your voice, Leksa. It oozes sex and does deliciously awful things to me but I know your still carrying a torch for Clarkey and...I'm sorry. I'm sorry the arkers are so troublesome and you seriously should've just killed us all. I'm sorry that I haven't managed to save general cheekbones or the over protective gorilla or Clarkey. You don't deserve to have your family taken from you. I just want you to know that when I call you commander Heartless, its because you have the biggest, most awesomest heart ever but you don't let anyone see it. Except maybe Clarkey. So when you hear me say it, just know that its how I show my affection and respect for yo-”

Octavia could see Raven's mouth moving but she was too far away to hear what she'd said. She was to preoccupied to register that there was someone else in the cave with them. A shot echoed inside the cave. In slow motion she watched Clarke collapse, like a puppet with its strings cut.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise that all of your questions will be answered soon. Just trust me okay, I have a plan and its going to be glorious. *Quickly ducks into a fortified fallout bunker and locks the door*
> 
> Now as to my absence, I have been greatly inspired to work on my original stuff and that does take precedence over fanfic. However, I will NOT abandon or leave any fanfic I have unfinished. So not to worry I will finish this and my other fics. Updates will be once a month for whichever fic I pick to update that month, I have three other fics that I am writing; a crossover, a Clexa drabble fic, and this one. 
> 
> Trig Translations:
> 
> natkripa: night-demon/panther  
> Shof op: Shut up  
> Ai hod you in: I love you  
> En ai yu: and I you  
> Em Pleni: Enough  
> Chit?! Ha? Taim?! Yu na govua klin?: What? How? When? You will explain?!


	6. Just Another Day On The Ground

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  ****  
>  _HAPPY HOLIDAYS TO MY READERS!!!!_  
>  Please ignore any errors as this is hot off the presses and has not been combed over for them. I will get on them at some point this week.  
> 

_**Disclaimer: I do not own the hundred or its characters. I own only the plots/ideas/situations that I have placed them in and my OCs.** _

* * *

_**Clarke** _

* * *

Something was wrong, she could feel it under her skin. It wasn't just a panther stalking her anymore, there were humans in her forest. A gust of biting wind tore through the trees carrying the scent of winter root with it. _What the hell is he doing here? I swear if he's so much as laid a finger on Niylah._

She waited for another gust of wind to disguise the sound of her movement as she climbed the nearest tree. The wind had died down right after she settled into position. Below she watched as Niylah stepped into her makeshift camp, a moment later and Roan emerged too.

“Where is she?” His tone was short, almost a snarl. Clarke would have been worried for Niylah, but that was normal for Roan.

“Not far, likely observing us from one of the trees.” It took effort to swallow the bile rising in her throat. Not once had Niylah betrayed her; not in a single loop. Her entire perception of her nightmarish time-traveling torture changed at Roan's next words.

“Are you sure she'll even believe us about remembering things that happened, but haven't happened yet or happen differently than what we remember?”

“The last time I met Clarke she would,” Niylah's pause put her on edge. “stay only long enough to collect her supplies, and drop off her kills. This time was different, this time she described you and asked how to go about finding you. I'm simply saving her the trouble.”

“Why is she looking for me?”

It was now or never, she took a deep breath and jumped to the ground. “I need you to train me to be an assassin. In exchange I will explain what it is your experiencing as best as I can, I'll let you collect the commander's 'bounty' on Wanheda when she announces it, and I can't see a problem with the mighty Wanheda owing the future king of Azgeda a favor; within reason of course.”

“I won't agree to anything until I get an explanation for why I know you,” She resists the urge to tell him that pointing at people is rude. “when we've never met before today, and what do you mean by 'future king'.” Niylah remained silent.

“You'll want to sit down for this.” 

* * *

“The old world had a saying for what I think the two of you are experiencing, its called Déjà Vu. What that means is, your mind is telling you that you've already lived through this exact moment. That this is like a memory or a would be memory, connected to your actions, people, or places. As to why you're experiencing it, its because of me. I'm stuck in a time loop.” She waited for them to react or say something. Roan's eyes had hardened with each word that came out of her mouth and Niylah look at her like she was crazy.

“ _I can prove it. The sky people have only been on the ground for about a month. I would very much love to say that I'm a quick study when learning a new language, but I'm not. My last time through these events, I stayed in Arkadia to learn Trig from Linkon and the healing practices of the tree clan from Naikou. How else could I have saved your father by bringing you the right herbs?_ ” She let the grin spread across her face at their expressions.

“ _You could hardly speak our language from what I remember. If I did not know that you were from the sky, I would mistake you for tree clan._ ” Niylah said as soon as she'd picked her jaw off the ground.

“ _I know. I've spent a long time getting rid of my accent._ “

“What about me?” Roan's tone wasn't as gruff as before nor were his eyes as hard.

“I don't know very much about you or how to convince you. This is the first time I've been able to find you before you find me.” When it looked like he was going to storm off, screwing up this loop, she said, “I'm not asking you to believe me. All I'm asking is that you train me in the two months that you have and come find me when you hear about the fall of the mountain again.”

She was just resigning herself to yet another short loop when he said, “Alright,” He sighed. “show me what you can do.”

* * *

_**Clarke** _

* * *

_What the hell are they doing out here?_ Clarke took a steadying breath as she dropped from the tree, landing in front of Miller and Harper. They both moved to either side to flank her. She was impressed, and made a note to ask about that later, but didn't have time for this.

“Easy, it's just me.” She whispered before they had a chance to go in for the kill.

“Clarke?” Harper's relief was palpable. Miller remained alert, but relaxed a fraction at hearing the relief from Harper.

Her eyes narrowed in suspicion at these two. There was no way they were this gung-ho before the mountain nor would they be, if they remembered the mountain.

“Thank fuck, you're here to stop Bellamy.” Harper's tone dripped with respect and admiration.

“We'll help however we can.” Miller said, that same respect and admiration in his tone.

“I'm surprised you guys haven't tried to string me up yet. After everything I've done, after everything the commander's done.” Their eyes were wide as they stared at her. That settled it, they were like Niylah and Roan. They'd somehow been dragged into this insanity too.

“Look as much I'd like to stop this Bellamy, he has to get to the radio and destroy it without thinking anyone is after him or he'll kill Raven in a panic.” Neither Harper or Miller were happy about it, before they could say anything, she added, “I stumbled onto her pod as he stabbed her with his knife, then he came after me. He ran me right into that giant gorilla. Don't worry, I've since learned to time it just right to arrive after Raven goes off on him about her radio, and I punch him in the throat. We'll talk more after we get the flares launched.”

* * *

“So is it just you guys?”

“We're not even sure what the fuck is going on, Clarke. We just woke up knowing a few snipets of whatever it is that that Lincoln guy is speaking.” Harper's brow furrowed as she said Lincoln's name. Miller's face was sporting a frown as he nodded along with Harper.

“Trigedasleng.” She added helpfully. From the twin glares sent her way, she elected to remain silent until they were finished explaining what they remembered.

“For me,” Her eyes rested on Miller as he gathered his thoughts. “it started when you broke up with Finn and told Raven that he was flirting with you before he knew that the Ark was dying. Said that Finn never mentioned a girlfriend at all. You finished by saying that she shouldn't be angry with you, but with the fuck boy that played you both.”

“I remember that, but it wasn't until we we're in the mountain. You warned me and Monty to not get caught breaking the rules once they started asking for volunteers for transfusions.” Harper looked away from both her and Miller. “I thought you were crazy until they locked me in a cage and started taking bone morrow.”

“I couldn't tell you everything. I-I tried to get you all to escape with me a couple of times. They used their knock out gas on us and forced me to watch as they extracted bone morrow.” Her heart constricted at the sympathy in their eyes, she didn't deserve it, as she failed to learn that lesson fast enough. “If I don't do things a certain way, events accelerate and everyone dies horribly. If I don't kill Finn, the coalition's generals don't respect me as a leader that makes hard choices and it makes it hard to get them to listen to me when we plan the siege, a Trikru general kills me when the mountain men fail. Finn's prolonged death angers the arkers and they plan an ill advised ambush in Tondisi that kills us all. Bellamy kills Raven, if Murphy isn't banish and doesn't bring back that plague we die, if we don't blow the bridge at the right time we die...and that's just before the mountain.”

Harper and Miller were white faced at the thought of Clarke living with the guilt of all those memories. Its Harper that braves Clarke's wrath by asking, “It sounds like you've lived through all of that?”

“Yeah I have. Its just another day on the ground.” She sighed, before diving head first into explaining about the time loop. 

* * *

  _ **Clarke**_

* * *

The blade's metal burned against her skin, but the weight of Lexa's stare burned more. She could not, would not think of her failures; it never helped. “Let her pass.”

Bile rises in her throat with each step toward Lexa, she forces it down. Her last time through, she learned that Lexa spent the rest of this night comparing herself to Nia.

“Can I at least say goodbye?” She has never used the 'show them you're not a savage' argument after this time loop nightmare started. Nor has she used the knife for its original purpose. Even when she knows that, no matter how hard she tries, Lexa always takes Emerson's deal.

When Lexa nods, she walks to Finn and kisses him goodbye for Raven. The kiss wasn't for her anymore. Her tears aren't for him either. Its all for Raven. Her jaw already aches in anticipation of the knuckle sandwich waiting for her.

Raven's heart rending cries spark the frantic scrubbing to get his blood of her hands. Her eyes blur with tears for the nineteen innocents she couldn't save; Raven included. _I can't keep doing this. I should give up on trying, maybe Finn's death can't be undone, like Tris and Anya._

She's still crying and scrubbing her hands when Lexa leads her mother into the war tent. It's a struggle for Clarke to accept the hug, to stop scrubbing away the evidence of her failure.

* * *

_**Clarke** _

* * *

“Is this I told you so?” Her tone is soft, devoid of anger.

“No, this is thank you.”

She opens the door a little wider and gestures to the room. “Come in.”

Doctor mode automatically kicks in, her eyes land on Lexa's injured hand. Without a single ounce of reservation, and she's surprised that Lexa lets her, she gently grips the inured hand. She growls internally at seeing the same bandage still on it. “Sit down, I'll redress this for you.”

“Redress?”

“Old-world healers called bandaging a wound, dressing it. The ark library was never clear on why they did.” From the corner of her eye she saw the adorable eyebrow furrow. “Mom insisted I learn all the proper medical jargon for when I became the chief medical officer.”

She lingered in the bathroom doorway with her supplies, watching as Lexa settled on the chair in front of the bed. It was the first time she saw how hesitant Lexa was, in being there; probably always was. A small part of her was still harboring ill will for the mountain and relished the clear anxiety in Lexa's body language.

She settled on the bench next to the chair. As soon as she'd finished unwinding the old bandage, she snarled. “The moment things are stable in the coalition, I'm going to hi-jack all the healers in it and drill Germ Theory into their heads until they explode.”

“Germs or,” Her hands worked soap into the wet cloth before she carefully cleaned the edges of the laceration in Lexa's palm. “bacteria are tiny micro-organisms that are the cause of diseases and infection.”

Once satisfied that the wound was clean, she grabbed a fresh bandage and started wrapping it. “Thank you for backing me.”

Her focus stayed on Lexa's hand. She was relieved that she managed to avoid giving her an opening to talk about her death. The seconds ticked by, she desperately wanted to break script but she couldn't or...with out looking up, she said, “I was just doing what was right for my people.”

She watched Lexa recoil as if shot. The words lodged in her throat, she was supposed to bring up the ambassadors betrayal, she was supposed to still have reservations. She was done pretending.

“I need your spirit to stay right where it is.” Hope, happiness, and bewilderment warred for dominance in Lexa eyes. “Don't mistake me, Lexa.” Despair overshadowed the other three emotions, “I'm angry at you with every fiber of my being. However, I do trust that you are what's best for my people. As for what's best for me, time will tell.”

“Reshop, Heda.” She said, knowing that Lexa wouldn't press her. _I hope you enjoyed the show, Titus._

“Good night, ambassador.” The small smile Lexa shot her before turning to leave, cracked her heart in two. 

* * *

  _ **Clarke**_

* * *

“Pisst! Clarkey!” The shout nearly gave her a heart attack. The person who stepped from the shadows even more so.

“Raven, what the hell are you doing here? Not that I'm not extremely glad to see you, I am, but...” The mechanic pulled her in for a hug. She was officially wired-ed out, but accepted the hug.

“No way in hell was I going to let the Blakes have all the fun, crashing your wedding to Commander Heartless.” Raven shot her a shit-eating grin.

“Raven.”

“Okay, okay, I'm here because I miss you. Its just not the same without you,” Raven held up a hand to forestall any interruptions. With effort Clarke closed her mouth. “I'm not asking you to come back. I know when to give up on a lost cause. That, and I doubt anything on earth could pry you away from your commander.”

She was thankful that Raven whispered the last part. _If Titus had overheard her..._

“She's not my commander-” Raven's hand shot out to covered her mouth.

“Seriously Griff, a blind man could've seen the UST and chemistry between you during the sieg-” She tasted winter root and grease when she licked Raven's hand. Her brain had been screaming at her to shut Raven up. She didn't bother asking or waiting for the mechanic to recover, Clarke snagged an arm and dragged her off.

* * *

“Raven I love you like a sister,” A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth as Raven's eyes filled with gratitude, “but please stop talking about me and Lexa. I won't deny that there was something between us during the siege. I'm not sure that she wasn't just using me or the arkers' knowledge of old world tech to conquer the mountain. I know I would have, if our positions were reversed but its not about the betrayal. I thought she cared about me, truly cared. When she kissed me-”

“Holy shit, you guys kissed...” The mechanic quailed under the glare Clarke shot her.

“Shutting up now.”

“I felt more alive than I had since coming to the ground. Everyday before that was me just surviving, she, Lexa made me want to live. The first time I met those vibrant but murky greens, my fingertips itched to capture them on paper. Then she just fucking walks away, leaving us, leaving me to the wolves. The worst thing is, I wouldn't have traded the delinquents lives for her people. I wouldn't have taken Emerson's deal because, because,” Raven drew Clarke into her arms, muffled sobs and shudder-y breaths filled the air.

“Because you saw her as one of yours to protect. Shh, its okay Clarkey. Its okay.” She was in no way prepared for wet works and as a general rule, avoided it with a passion. However, Clarke was an exception she was willing to make.

“Listen, before the mountain went boom. I found the video footage for that night. When Commander Heartless turned to walk away, she was crying, actual tears. She cared, cared so much that it cracked her ruthless mask of indifference in front of her giant ass army of mutant gorillas. Like, seriously, those grounders are built as fuck.”

“There's something in the water.”

Raven smiled at the joke. “Griff, I know how awful it is to have your heart broken,” Clarke tensed, “and still feel helplessly in love with the idiot that hurt you, but from what I just saw in there, she's trying to make it right between you. Give her a chance and should the worse ever happen, protect her like you would one of us. Heaven only know she needs someone to have her back that doesn't expect her to always have her shit together.”

Clarke pulled back to stare at her. Everything from the set of her mouth and the hardness in dark brown eyes told Clarke that whatever Raven said next, was a promise.

“And if you're not here to do it, I will.”

* * *

Clarke

* * *

_“Save her or he dies.” Anya growled before stalking to the back of the room. A small kernel of respect for the imposing woman took root in her. She ignored the feeling as she began her examination.  
_

* * *

_“She's hot.” As she moves to examine the girl, Anya moves back to let her work. The kernel expands and pops inside of her. When trembling hands raise the girl's bloodied tunic to reveal solid lines of black spreading toward her heart, any hope of saving Finn dies within Clarke._

_“She's septic.” The words taste like ash in her mouth. Her eyes lock with Finn's for a moment before she hears._

_“What does that mean?”_

_“Her blood's poisoned. She needs a transfusion.”_

* * *

_His blood is hot and sticky as it oozes in between her fingertips._

_Her head pounds as the blood rushes to it before she hears someone cut the line. The impact with the ground winds her, but she doesn't waste time trying to catch her breath as she takes off into the trees; she does not make it very far._

* * *

_Dappled sunlight filters through the trees above her. A breeze carrying the scent of lavender and pine needles tickles her nose. Her nose follows the scent causing her head to turn, there he was; Finn. She leaps up and runs across the meadow to him. As soon as she's close enough she throws her arms around him. Their kiss is heated, his hands are on her waist to pull her closer into him, and her arms are around his neck, holding on for dear life._

_Her eyes had closed when their lips met, she opens them when she breaks away to breathe. Vibrant green ringed with black kohl greet her. A grin slowly spreads across the commander's face as the color drains from hers._

_She screams at herself to take another step back, but to her horror she's grabbed a fist full of black leather and crashes their lips together again. White hot pain forces a gasp from her lips, and this time, she manages to wrench herself away. The sharp tang of copper and iron hits her nose. Her eyes fall to Lexa's hands, she's holding a knife. When Clarke looks down, her blood is seeping through the gray-white shirt._

_All the strength in her body is gone as her knees hit the ground, a spark of recognition flashes across her mind. Lexa had stabbed her with the knife that she used to kill Finn._

She bolted up right, her right hand clutched to her chest over her heart and her left hand gripping her gun. She shivered as the cold sweat saps whatever heat her clothes had once held. Her eyes glance toward the fire, a bed of smoldering embers greets her; she has no desire to be warm at the moment.

Unlike most of her usual nightmares about the mountain's dinning hall full of bodies, this one had only gotten worse since she'd left camp Jaha. For some reason that kiss with Lexa had opened the flood gates. The burning affection and attraction for the commander had ignited into an inferno that was hard to ignore; like she'd been doing since their first meeting.

 _It doesn't matter. She doesn't matter, it was all a lie. A ruse to get what she wanted._ Her tears came hot and fast, as they usually did when thinking about Finn or Lexa. When the commander had walked away from her, it was like she was back watching Raven and Finn kiss; watching as someone she cared about ripped her heart out with a smile on their face.

 _She doesn't care. She doesn't care. She doesn't care._ She repeated this mantra until her tears ran dry and she fell into an exhausted slumber.

* * *

“What do you want?” Her voice was flat. She braced herself for the blow from Echo, but it never came.

“A blind man could've seen what Commander Lexa meant to you, that day. The day she spared my life. The day she finally got justice for Costia.” He shrugged off her piercing stare.

“What do you want, Roan.” She lost all patience for his game and returned her attention to the lake. She heard him restrain Echo again before barking an order for her to leave them. He was the interim commander until Luna could arrive from Floukru to assume the position. With help from Raven, she'd easily told Roan where to find her; she didn't give a shit what Luna did or didn't want.

“I'm here to make a delivery. ”

Her head whipped around so fast that she felt a twinge in the muscles. Roan held a black leather bound journal in one hand and a braid in the other; the hair was a rich dark brown. “She spoke with me after our fight. Gave me the braid and instructions to deliver it, and her journals to you, upon her death. The rest of them are at the drop-ship, I don't know what's in this one, I picked it at random.”

She stiffly accepted the items and went back staring over the lake, not even registering when Roan left her. Her hands had gravitated to the braid that she ran her fingers over. She hadn't cried, properly cried, or grieved for Lexa yet. There wasn't time after Allie made her move, but as the afternoon waned ushering the evening in, bringing the temperature down, the tears spilled over.

* * *

She felt like someone had wrung her out like a towel as she entered the drop-ship. After things had settled down, she claimed it for an outpost. Over the last few years the 39 delinquents had each left Arkadia and joined her. They had all agreed to let her and Raven take up residence in the drop-ship for everything they'd done to save them. Octavia had left to join the Trikru and Bellamy was in prison for his part in the massacre.

Clarke collapsed into the chair by the table and gently laid the black journal on it. The braid was wrapped around her right wrist, she was never going to take it off. With jerky movements she switched the table's lantern on. Her hand shook as she dragged her fingertips to the edge of the journal's cover.

The leather was soft and warm to the touch, it almost felt like the leather of those long black coats. Her vision was going blurry and in an effort to stem her tears, she flipped it open to a random page.

_Day 2,379_

_I've just heard back from the scouts that, that...Anya has fallen. She is gone. I don't know if I can handle the growing threat of the sky people without her. The dead are gone, the living are hungry. These words are all that I have of my mentor now, of my sister._

She can't read anymore of it, the rest of the entry is illegible as the ink ran together obscuring the words. Images of her fight with Anya at the dropship flash across her vision, those images gave way to her first meeting with Lexa. Her tears were hot as they spilled over, she slammed the book shut and bolted from the drop ship; away from the reminder of what the ground took from her.

* * *

_“Anya was my mentor.”_

_These words are all that I have of my mentor now, of my sister._

The words echoed in her ears, a cruel mimicry of Lexa's voice, as she watched her last sunrise. She'd ran, and ran, and ran until her legs were numb. Clarke knew exactly where she was, her woods. The same woods she'd mourned Finn's loss, Lexa's betrayal, her dad, Wells, and the ones they'd lost in. It was fitting that she'd die here. She could feel the weight of its stare, the tensing of its muscles, and had a split second to react as the panther pounced.

She didn't struggle as its claws ripped into her back, she welcomed the pain; welcomed feeling something other than empty. It was pure reflex that had her rolling as soon as her shoulder hit the ground, throwing the giant cat from her back, and readying her knife for its charge.

As the early morning rays broke through the trees to bathe the clearing in warmth, the two predators breathed their last breaths. Clarke held onto her regrets, she had a long list of them. The ones that her mind fixated on were at the very top or her first ones; failing to save that young girl that Anya abducted her to save, and causing Anya's death.

* * *

_**Clarke** _

* * *

Her heart was in her throat at seeing Jasper swing the rifle around to aim it at Lexa. She stopped moving immediately as the last of her sympathy for this loop's Jasper ran out. Her fingers had barely grazed the dagger Niylah had passed to her when Raven's snarl shattered the air.

“Like hell, you demented bitch.” The mechanic slammed the shock baton into the side of Jasper's shin. Raven held it there for ten long seconds before Allie regained control. The moment the rifle fell from Jasper's hands, she sprinted to Sinclair's side to check on him, he was gone. From the corner of her eye she saw Octavia rush at Raven.

“Give me something to blindfold her with.”

When she turned away from the body to face Raven, she saw Lexa handing Octavia her sash. She spared a smile for the scene before shouting orders, “Harp, grab the electromagnet. Lexa help Octavia keep Raven still.”

Harper rushed over with the magnet, stumbling over Miller's prone body before helping put the emp together. Clarke's smile returned when she over heard the teasing tone from O.

“Had practice keep someone held down before, Lex?”

She saw the shock and happiness fill the commander's eyes. It re-affirmed Clarke's desire to get things right in the next loop. So Lexa could have peace and the support of her family, and her new friends too.

“An old friend of mine was incredibly ticklish, but she was much bigger and a much better fighter than me. I had to get creative, O.”

With effort she swallowed the urge to ask if that friend had been Luna. She'd ask in the next loop, it was inevitable that there would be another one. “Clear.”

The baton spun from her hand as the breath whooshed out of her. Alcohol stung her nose as Jasper snatched the shock baton from her hand. As he pulled it back to bring it down, his blood splattered her cheeks.  

She grasped the shock baton from him and moved back toward Raven. Clarke didn't hear the thud of his body hitting the ground. “She's in fibrillation, we need to hit her again, now.”

“Ooo fibrillation sounds bad.” Raven slurred. The lights along the baton's handle flickered and died. Moisture welled in her eyes, she refused to lose focus.

“Your fight is not over yet, Reivon.” Lexa's voice pulled Clarke from falling into despair at failing to sense Jasper's approach.

There was no point in shocking Raven again, not that she could, she just hoped that Raven wouldn't remember her own death.

Her world was obliterated for a second time, since the time loop started, at what she heard Raven say. “I love your voice, Leksa. It oozes sex and does deliciously awful things to me but I know your still carrying a torch for Clarkey and...I'm sorry. I'm sorry the arkers are so troublesome and you seriously should've just killed us all. I'm sorry that I haven't managed to save general cheekbones or the over protective gorilla or Clarkey. You don't deserve to have your family taken from you. I just want you to know that when I call you commander Heartless, its because you have the biggest, most awesomest heart ever but you don't let anyone see it. Except maybe Clarkey. So when you hear me say it, just know that its how I show my affection and respect for yo-”

The crunch of rocks was her only warning. She turned to face the intruder, Niylah's dagger sailing through the air, at the same time that Emerson pulled the trigger.

* * *

She gasps as her hand goes to cover the weeping bullet wound. Finn's head swivel's around to look at her. She gives him a thumbs up. He's skeptical, but Miles waves at him pointing out some animal tracks. When Finn is no longer paying any attention to her she rips off the bottom half of her shirt and stuffs it into her mouth.

Her fingertips dig into her side, she muffles her cries as much as she can, thankfully the bullet isn't too deep. When the bullet is free, she wipes it off on her shirt and goes to pull out the lighter from the bunker. The motion jars the bag from her shoulder. She is shocked into stillness at its weight, but what's more, is the giant bright red cross painted on it. It was a medical bag, an honest to god medic bag, and she nearly fainted when she opened it. A wide array of medical supplies were in the bag, both old world and Trikru.

With a quick glance toward Miles and Finn, seeing that they were still studying the tracks, she got to work. She pulled out bandages and a magnesium strip, she held the strip above her wound to tap the power into it; eliminating Harper, Miller, and Murphy of making the bag. She layered bandages into a makeshift gauze pad before flipping the strip over and pressing it against the wound. She bit down firmly on her shirt and ripped the ignition primer from the back of the strip.

Her eyes were closed to the white flash, but she nearly gagged when the smell of burning flesh hit her nose. She spit out her shirt and used it to wipe the magnesium strip off. She dug around in the bag to extract Trikru burn salve and soaked her gauze pad in it before slapping it on. With a few strips of medical tape to anchor it down, she shoved everything back into the bag. As she caught up with Finn and Miles, her mind was a buzz with questions and theories. _There's no way that anyone whose got Deja vu could prepare this. They can only remember the original chain of events, the events of the last loop, and the changes that my actions caused to them. It couldn't have been Wells, he's dead. Octavia was off with Lincoln around this time and I never told her about Tris. Bellamy's out, I would have noticed his panic over this by now. Whose looping?_

Her hand had fallen to the bag at her side and as her fingertips found the top of the giant red cross, she recognized the material along the border; it was red leather. “Raven.”

The whisper was lost in the sudden scream from Miles and the snapping branches caused by descending Trikru scouts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah here it is. I'm very excited for the rest of the story. I promise more answers will be forth coming in later chapters. 
> 
> Magnesium strips are my own invention for advanced medical techniques. Its basically a quick and easy way to cauterize wounds. Also the section where Clake's name isn't bold and italicized, is from the original chain of events.


End file.
